December

Well I've made it to the last two weeks of the semester and I'm happy to report that school was a right on the money idea. It pleases me to be in an academic setting with people who have a passion for what I love as well.

The death of my mother continues to be a struggle, made worse by my father. I believe him to be taking a romantic interest in someone and it is something that I do not approve of and in the spirit of frankness fucks with my head. If it's true that he's taking an interest in this woman it would go against everything I believe about love and everything I hope to exist about love.

My BF and I are truly on the way out. I found him talking dirty with another woman and telling

her that she should maybe get on birth control just in case they do anything. And he was gonna meet up with her for a movie and then her place, so I tied him up all day doing things so he couldn't get there, he told her he was at work. She's being just a deceived as he's trying to be with me. I am seriously reliving the demise of my last relationship. So I gathered my things and left the ball in his court with a note telling him he needs to man up and be honest and stop lying and that he knows what I'm talking about. He's so used to playing the victim that I want him to get some balls and break up with me. I know this doesn't work and he knows it doesn't but he wants me to be the bad guy, he wants to be able to run around going, "woe is me, I'm so heart broken, she left me, they always leave me." I want him to empower himself and call the break up.

What Was I Thinking

I have been dabbling. And it's not nice to dabble. I've been dabbling in an online dating site that I met my ex on. Mostly I used to just used it to occupy time on campus during my undergrad. But now I have been actively up dating my page and talking to men online. And two days ago I actually went on a date with one. It's not nice to dabble. He was a nice man. I liked his company just fine. But we were just as awkward and fishing for conversation in person as we were online. And the problem isn't just that I think hes a nice man but isn't even close to masculine enough for me, it's also that the second that I made the date I realized that it was a mistake. I don't need to be dating right now. I knew right away after agreeing to meet him that I should not have that I was doing something I hoped I was ready to do but am not really ready for at all. Truth, even if I wasn't in a semi relationship with some one already and was totally single from my breakup last year still I wouldn't be ready anyway. I have not grown past my relationship with my ex. I know that everyone in my life had this overwhelming reaction of "oh thank god" when we broke up, but that is part of the problem. It's made me feel that I should have been relieved too and that I should just move on. But people don't just move on right away after a divorce or a death, how should I have expected myself to move on after a 3 relationship that I had found permanent. And no I don't mean in that "we'll get married some day kind of way" in a "oh ya we'll get married next fall" kind of way. I even had a wedding dress.

I have never been one to be all gun hoe and comfortable with being alone. I am a relationship person. But that doesn't give me the right to go running around meeting men knowing that it's not going to work simply because I don't really want it to. Last year I thought I was gonna be holding my wedding two months ago. Not looking at an undefined future of I don't know if anyone will ever love me and I don't know that I can love anyone the way I loved my ex. I miss him, I miss the future that I saw us having, I miss the life that I saw ahead of me, the stability of having something in my life that made me happy and was all set. I keep wanting to push down the fact that I miss him. I love my psudo BF and he is also a wonderful man, though one with issues that I think he should address, he is a wonderful man, and my friend for 12 years, I do love him. But, like we said to one another we may love one another but we don't seem to be in love with one another. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that it is better to be on your own and happy than with someone and miserable. But I'm not sure how to come to grips with that. It's a scary idea to think "I'm single" when you haven't been for four years. And I don't want things with my friend/BF to go badly. I need him, I need him to stay my friend even if the relationship doesn't work, without him I am totally alone where I'm living. I'd have no friends, no family, and no support without him.

A little poetry

Waves over rocks

roll on with

the power of spring thaw

reminds me that life

keeps cycling

I remember you

with your fish line

and indicators and

how the geese watched

you eat lunch.

I miss you

watching you cheat

at fishing

and my sing song words

written on a napkin

I miss dangling my toes

in the icy snow melt

the air too hot

the water too cold

I miss stretching out

on a rock and watching

clouds roll by

a dog splashes joyfully

and you at peace

with the world and God

I remember love

and how my heart

decided on you

that night and

I ache with your leaving

even a year later

Waves over rocks

roll on with the power

of spring thaw

and reminds me that life

keeps cycling

pushing the bank and

making things new

Life and What I Want Out of it

1. A man who loves me for me. Looks at all the clumsyness, bad grammar, poor spelling, smiles and thinks that's my girl.

2. Publish a poetry book.

3. A home of my own and a family in it.

4. An accomplished comfortable career with a comfortable living on which I can live, read, watch, and smile.

5. To live near family.

6. To have friends that will be there through every neurosci and bitchy day.

7. To be healthy.

Cornered

I don't know what to do any more. He is my friend. He needs help. I have come to know that he has endured a massive amount of abuse. I can't fix him, and I can fully admit to both him and the world that I can't live with the side effects either. I haven always been up front and honest with him. I told him I can not be his life coach. I can be his friend, I can be his partner, but I can not save him from himself. I recently found out that he's not only been put through the ringer with many women but he's spent a lot of time staying in relationships that were abusive just because the other person said they loved him. He's been dumbed down and repressed so much that he doesn't even enjoy sex because an ex used to yell at him. I love him, I do, I've loved him all my life, but I can not be in a relationship that is controlled by this crazy behavior. I'm a 26 year old woman, I'm sexual, I'm an open communicator, and I believe that relationships are not one sided they have to be about team work. But in this relationship the team doing all the work is me. He's not doing anything. The world is wrong and I'm crazy to him. He keeps telling me how these things were not a problem with other people.... but HELLO- they left! I'm trying to stay I'm trying to make it work. But I can't make it work if he won't work on himself. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy. I want him to be comfortable in his own skin. He's not any of those things. I can't rescue him....I can't rescue him.... I need him to rescue himself for himself he can't rescue himself for me. He deserves to be better, be deserves to be himself, he deserves to allow himself to enjoy sex with the person he loves. I am not willing to be in a communication free, sexless relationship, that is not the life I want. I want someone who is an equal with me. Someone who talks with me about our issues, works them out with me, enjoys intimacy with me. Not this.

You Create What You Get

I know how bad it is to be a snoopy girlfriend. I don't like being one and I don't think I should have to be. But I'm not a controlling person and I don't monitor everything by boyfriend does, if he says I don't have to worry about something I should be able to not worry about it. But I was told when my last relationship went belly up that I should try to remember my gut had it right all along. So now I have trouble not getting snoopy. Well I'm following my gut now and I'm not liking it. I noticed about three weeks ago that my BF had gotten in contact with an ex and was texting with her constantly, I stayed out of specifics, I told him I thought telling another person that you "have feelings for them" and exchanging pictures was in appropriate and on the road to cheating. I did it cuz I knew he had done this with her. I asked him if any of this had happened, he said point blank and plain toned that it had not. He lied. Then he went to have coffee with her, and I was with my dad, so a while later the texts me to tell me he's having dinner with her and her roommate, and her BF would be there soon. I told him I was not comfortable with that. He didn't seem to care. Now I look at his phone and heres a text to from him to here saying how she hurt him and lead him on and what not. In his mail is her

response:

i told you i loved you and i do yes but you never truly apologized for the thing that you actually did: cheated. so i'm sorry i didn't exactly trust you after you told me you had A GIRLFRIEND and were trying to hook up with me so forgive me if i seemed like I was leading you on but honestly... you made me feel like a "misty"

Misty is his ex-wife. Whenever someone asks about what he's up to or who people are he accuses them of being a "Misty". But the truth is that he cheats, he's cheated on everyone I've met. And then he gets upset that people want to know what he's up to. But that's neither here nor there. The issue right now is that my gut was right. He had an intent to hook up with this girl and when she refused him he got up-set and started slinging mud at her, "you led me on and hurt me but I guess you don't care." I was right, this girl was a threat and I saw her as one and he made me feel like I was crazy and made me feel bad by saying I was acting like a "misty." Truth, he deserves suspicion and therefor gets suspicion and turns women into the "misty's" he doesn't like.

Funny Trick of the Mind

It's 11:40pm and my crazy busy bf is sleeping as he needs to be up at 3. So I quietly watched Pride and Prejudiced on head phones. At the end of the move I silently put the comp away and laid down to sleep. Only sleep will not greet me tonight, just as it eluded me lat night, only tonight is different. The mind is something quite funny, in a not so humorous way. When you lose someone your mind protects you, and attacks you in sperts. Most of the time you forget that they're gone, and that's not the same as forgetting them. Your mind simply views them as missing. And then in an instant, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all, but your brain suddenly decides you need a reminder. They're not just missing, they're gone, as in gone gone, for good gone. Not gonna talk to them again, not gonna hear them say they love you, not gonna hear them say their proud of you, not gonna hug you hello, or kiss you goodbye, not gonna curl up in a heavy quilt to watch movies all night, gone. Tonight, my brain decided I didn't need sleep, I didn't need peace, I needed to be reminded that she's gone. At this very moment if I stop typing and just try to let my mind settle I will sob uncontrollably until I choke and can't breath, in fact I spent the last 20 min doing just that in the bathroom in an attempt to not wake my very hard working boyfriend. Tonight I fear trying to sleep, I fear stopping, I fear putting to computer away, I fear turning off the movie, I fear my own mind tormenting me with the reminder that I don't have a mother anymore. I seem so cycle in and out of these things on a weekly basis at minimum, but no one here knows what to do with me when it happens. I wish I didn't wake up feeling so much emotional hurt that my body aches, I wish I didn't walk through my day angry at the world for existing. Children if they're lucky out live their parents, but we are not built to out live them by this much. I know that it's not fair, I know that there are relatives of my own that relate to the utter unfairness of it all. But do I dare ask God why? Why when I already had no idea what the purpose for my living was would he take the one person who was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest encourager to find my way in the world away from me? I don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have my mother in it. There is a non rightness to it, it's unbalanced, I am unbalanced, and can not find my way. And therefor my mind does me the service day to day of not letting me think about it, not letting me acknowledge the whole in my heart that at times makes every beat of the blood rushing through my veins agonizing. Then that one moment comes along, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all and the reminder chimes in. Gone, as in gone gone.

Introverted

I'm a girl who likes her down time. I'm not outgoing, though I am a people person, I get along great with everyone I meet. But, at the end of the week I like to have a day were I don't get dressed and I just lounge in my sweats and T's and I'm a happy girl. I have had several boyfriends that don't understand this part of me. I am active, I know (despite my weight) that it is important to be active, I am friendly, I like people, I like being out, but I need to be allowed to slow down.

It was a long weekend last weekend, and I hope that all had a great Labor Day. I did and I didn't. I was in a great area, went swimming in rivers, enjoyed some new sights and scenery, and fraught with my boyfriend everyday. We'd have a perfect time, a PERFECT time, and then all of a sudden he's yelling at me, or I'm yelling at him, sometimes I can't even figure out how we got there. It's like the other night when we were on our way home from the weekend. We stopped and

head dinner, and we were in the car and everything was great, I was having a great time with him, we're talking

away, and everything is fine, and right in the middle of our discussion he picks up the phone while I'm still talking and calls his friend. WTF? Needless to say I was pissed. The rest of the night was a bust :-(

A new week at school has begun and I am loving my classes. I have to say that the decision to

return to academics is not something I regret at all. And operation gain space has also started. My dad brought my trailer down on Wednesday. He cam in at 3pm and left the next morning at 8. I was/am very sad. I miss him. I've never experienced this strong of a need to be with my family before. It used to be when my family hit the road I was down a little, but I wasn't devastated, now my feeling to be with him and have him around is almost unbearable.

Being Your Own Person

I'm not gonna say that I don't change for people around me, it's always been a problem, but I've always been able to stay true the the core of myself. It has taken a long time and a lot of work but I like knowing that I am myself no matter what and no matter who. My boyfriend and I had a discussion the other day and in some manner we got around to here:

me: "You say that like you're a different person all together when you're not with someone?"

Him: "I am."

Me: "And you think that's ok?"

Him: shrugs

Which begs the question: If you changes totally into a different person when you get into a relationship doesn't that make it not work? Doesn't that mean that the person that you're with gets to know one you, chooses to get in a relationship with you, and then finds themselves in a relationship with someone else?

I've known my BF for 12 years. He was a sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going, loving, compassionate person. And that is what I loved about him. I'm wondering where he went. Now he's secretive, distant, has no compassion, or understanding, he doesn't talk about things with me. I used to talk to him about everything when we were friends. When I was having trouble with my relationship I would come to him and he and I were always on the same page about things, about openness, about morals, about what's proper and ok and whats not. And now I don't see that person anymore, currently I see my last ex at the end. Keeping secrets, not telling me who people are, hiding things, I feel it in my gut that what's happening now is exactly what happened between me an my ex right before he cheated. I'm so confused and upset I want the man that I've known all this time back

The Big O

THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS NOT SUITABLE FOR THE LIGHT HEARTED AND THE CONTENT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS.

I would just like to pose the question: If you are in no way in pursuit of reproduction the point of sex is not only to connect with your partner but also to make it to the finish line right? And I speak for women in general when I say that if we don't get there through the run of the mill intercourse we do expect the courtesy of having help obtaining it through other means when we have gotten you yours. We're not asking for an hour long parade or anything extravagant or overly kinky (in most cases) we just want to have enjoyed ourselves as much as you have. And if you don't care if we make it or not then you are a totally discourteous and selfish bedroom partner. If you're not going to care it I cum then I will not care if you come which is going to end in the end of our sex life in my opinion. Why should I do you the service when you aren't going to return the favor? When you can't take the extra few minutes before or after to be sure that I get my last hora as much as you?

Alone

I have been needing space to be myself. Space to think about myself. Space to heal. And I'm only able to tackle that one step at a time. My boyfriend wants me to tackle everything all at once. He attacked me last night over a bowl of cereal. I realize I've backtracked in my weight, I know, I also know that it's going to take a lot of changes to put my back on track. But I can only take so much change at a time. So we got in a huge fight and I told him he was mean. He cold have used a positive approach to encourage me, have faith in me, but does he do that? No he does this: "so i geuss your giving on weight watchers and your gona eat everytime ur upset. what happened to the sara i met 9 months ago who was determine to lose weight. you might as well quit going and save your money" and it was under the subject "I give up on you." So in the middle of it all he dresses and walks out. Which may work fine for him, but simply pissed me off some more. So I've been angry and upset at him all day. During the tail end of my final class of the day (which ends at 10pm) I get a text telling me he's not coming home tonight. I asked why not and he said, "Giving u space I can tell u want it." So to stifle the frustration and the fact that I fight alone, and never resolve anything with him because he never tells me his side, he never tells me what he thinks, he never tells me what he feels, nothing, I buried myself in chocolate cake. And tomorrow I go to my first Weight Watchers meeting in months. The irony is not amusing.

Ashamed of Myself

I am so not happy with myself right now. I am flirting with a guy online and I have been made at boyfriends for that and if I was my boyfriend right now I would be so pissed and so hurt. What am I doing? I am not this person. I've turned into my ex. And he wasn't really that person either. OMG I've turned into my ex and my BF is me :-( I hate myself.

ME!!!

I've spent a lot of time bitching about my boyfriend lately. I guess that's a habit. But today I want to talk about myself. I've been focusing on myself too little lately. I focus on family, I focus on boyfriends, I focus on my dad, I have been doing not much for myself. But, yesterday school started. And the first day of my mission to put me back into myself. I am a school person. I am one of those one in a million people that walks on to a campus sits down in a class room and everything in my goes, "Ahhhh." Even my dreaded German class was comfortable to me. I am in pursuit of my MFA in creative writing, and English degree, and for it I need four semesters of foreign language, why? I don't know, and learning languages is not my strength, but I'll fight it out. And truth: I think it'll be ok, the first class made me very optimistic about it.

Tonight I had my poetry workshop class but before that I elected to go to a water aerobics class. It was a little rigorous cuz I haven't worked out since my mothers death in February. I stopped caring for myself again. I stopped working out, I stopped watching what I eat, I stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings. I was so determined to push my life forward with impulsive decisions that I had stopped caring for my actual life. Because I will admit, as I admitted a year ago when I joined WW, my weight is not at a non health threatening level, it is a danger to me. My uncle asked me this spring why I did it, and I told him cuz I wanted to have kids one day and no doctor would ever let me do that the way I am . His response, "You started to care about you didn't ya?" He was right. I had begun to care what happened to me. Because, somewhere around 20 well after topping out at over 250 I had decided that I didn't need love and I didn't need a long life. I could be academical/career successful and die whenever I died. Then when I met my ex I was 293. Two years into our relationship with a very, to me, definite marriage on the way I began to realize I wasn't healthy enough to do the things we liked to do, I wasn't healthy enough to have kids, and I wasn't healthy enough to live a long life with him. After that relationship imploded in front of me as I watched my mother shrink and die I stopped caring. I've eaten freely feeding my need for comfort all the while saying, "I'm fine." In doing that I've put 20 of the 56 pounds that I lost back on. But I'm not fine. I'm not fine with anything. I've "I'm fined" my way into a mess of a personal life that I know have to put breaks on and back up a bit. I've "I'm fined" my way into waking up day after day ok and then waking up other days and crying uncontrollably.

My boyfriend doesn't know how to help me, doesn't know what to do with me, which is part of the reason that I need my own place. This morning I woke up and made french toast while singing to the radio. It was a good morning, I felt very homely and comfortable. And then I sunk and couldn't contain myself anymore. I burst into tears telling my boyfriend how I am a bad daughter and when I was with my parents in December I should have spent more nights at home and shouldn't have spent so much time with him, and that I was a bad daughter because I missed that time and by the time I got back with her it was too late. It was too late, she had one clear day when I got there, and I spent a week and a half straight with her, but I couldn't talk to her she wasn't coherent, I couldn't even tell her I loved her and have her respond. She wasn't there. I scared him so much that he texted my best friend and told her to call me. Which brought me out of the tears yes, but the funk stays for the day, and sometimes for a few days.

But at least I have my academics again. School has always been my happy place. The place where I can be with people who are like minded or just differently minded enough to teach me something about myself. I am a seeker of knowledge and of something to believe in. And for the first time in my life I am interested in knowing who I would be uninfluenced by the control of infatuation, who I want to be by what I learn about me.

I Am A Woman

I am a little miffed today. I am spending my morning cleaning. I've got the radio crankin' and normally I would be fine and danddy and good with that. But as I celan I know my boyfriend is going to come home strip his clothes an drop them on the floor right next to the laundry hamper. Then he's going to put on boxers and shorts. The shorts will also be on the floor in the morning. The boxers will be ont he floor of the bathroom next to yet another hamper after his morning shower and he'll eat dinner and leave his plate unwashed and unrinsed on the dresser. We only rent one bedroom in a home, there is very little space and he hates having to travers around. So I ask you why not put his shit in the hamper? Why not wash the dish and put it in the dish washer?

I have known this man forever. He has a wonderful family. All of them clean and well mannered, polite. And I live with someone who makes everything a pig sty, says "Ahhh" when he farts, and never not ever, even in public says excuse me when he burps. He took me to dinner last night and I had on heals, did my make-up, wore a cut dress with jeans to dress it down a little, and he came home and changed out of his suit and put on day old jeans and a t-shirt that showed years of washing. I literally could feel the room going, "what is she doing?"

I get it that men like to be free and I can find the humor int he body. But that doesn't mean you get to act like a neanderthal. I'm a woman, I'm a woman of taste, of manners, and of pliteness. We've only been dating 8 months, where's the courtship, where's the woo? Why am I suddinly someone who doesn't get common curtisy? Doesn't get her hand helt when we walk? When did I become the girl it was ok to walk twice as fast as and then complain at when I'm not right next to him?

Is there not any man out there that's polite? Clean? Complimentary? Treats a woman with respect? Doesn't ridicule every little move she makes from the way she eats to where she put the printer on the desk? And can find their way around a bedroom in a non 1950's manner?

Back in the War Zone

So I have returned to the residence that my boyfriend temporarily share. He has relaized that I do plan on moving out and takes every oppertunity to guilt trip me about it. Trouble for him is that I don't feel guilty about it so he just ends up making me irritated. I am ready to discuss what I see and what I need and what I need to see happen with him to continue on but it seems impossible to discuss anything with the man. He dosen't seem to see anything wrong with making other people be responsible for him. For example: we went grocery shopping yesterday and I was talking about stuff to cook and mentioning what was unhealthy. I'm trying to find my way back into my Weight Watchers regeme. He's statement...."Well since you're leaving it's back to junk food and packing on the pounds for me." WTF? He keeps telling me how we're gonna get healthy, that he wants to lose weight, but what he wants is for me to controll his diet so that he can lose weight and get healthier. But that isn't my responsibility. If he's so self contious and unhappy with how he looks then he should want it enough to change himself.

He also seems to feel like everyone in the world is wrong and he doesn't need to change. I snapped at him last night, and I'll admit that I snapped. But then I asked him if he relizes how critical he sounds all the time. His reaction...."I'm so tired of everyone saying I'm crittical when I'm not." So I asked him what we can change. His reply, "Everyone to stop calling me critical." He doesn't even consider the fact that maybe he is critical and he needs to change how he talks to people. It's not his fault everyone thinks he's critical, it's their fault for thinking it.

He mentioned the other day that he figures that since I'm moving out he doesn't need to get counseling like I asked. I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to open my mouth and say, " No, you don't get it. When I said that if you don't get help for your issues I couldn't do this anymore I meant I couldn't be in this relationship anymore." I would prefer it not come to that. I do love him very much but we are not meshing well and if he continues to refuse to acknowledge his ADHD and his depression issues everyone will continue to walk away and give up on him. No one wants to be is care taker, they want to be his partner.

I have known this man for 12 years I have told him everything that I could possibly tell anyone, he knows everything. However he aparently had this down home 1950's idea about my sexuality, to which I do not conform, but he had no idea that I prefer much more variety in my life than that...untill I opend my mouth about some stuff and then poof....I burst his bubble. I'm 26, I grew up in the land of fun and play, not in the land of "spread your legs and think of england." Everything being very cookie cutter gets very monotonous for me. And supprise sopprise he won't talk about it

Oh and I'm about to spend the night with one of his friends so that I can take her to a Dr appointment tomorrow. I'm sure I'll hear whatever he's been saying to people.

A Day at the Movies

I went to a movie today with my grandmother and aunt. I was sitting around on one of the rare days when I'm here watching TV and Oprah was on. She was talking to Julia Roberts about her role in "Eat, Pray, Love" and suddinly I saw a movie I had to watch and a book I have to read. It's funny that something like that with that story would come out right now in the time of my life. I am no where near the main characters age I am at her cross roads. I left what was essentially a marriage (three year relationship) and jumped into an all consuming relatinship that took over my every thought, word, and move. I love him. I don't want to lose my relationship with him. But I can not move forward from here, I can not heal from here, I can not figure out who I am from here, and he will not get to know the real me if I do not stop it now. We must step back. We must stop the mistake that will ruin our connection and ruin our chances of being together for the long haul. Moving in together now is a mistake. It will stunt my efforts to get better, my efforts to grieve, and will prevent me from being myself. It will stop him from being self sufficient, self confident, and a person of his own making. It will stop him from ceasing to be dependant on others for his ever waking decisions. I want to get to know him for who he is not for who he is by making me make all the decisions. I don't want to create a man to be with for if I create him, he will not be himself, and neither of us will be happy. I want to wake up and learn and workout and chose every day for myself what I am and who I want to be and what I want to do and I want to date. I want to date him, I wan't him to be my boyfriend as it should be, separately getting to know one another. Getting to know each others tastes, habits, favorite shows, laughter. I want to go by his place and know that everything in it is selected by him, for himself, and is apart of who he chooses to be. And I want him to come by my place and see what I do and the things that I keep around me and know that it all is destinctly me and is my taste for myself and is apart of who I choose to be. I want to go out to eat with him and for once not be asked, "What do I like?" And I ask you how does a person not know what they like themselves? Without giving each other space we are not choosing each other we are simply setteling for what we know we can do. We can choose to stay together and get married and go on with this battle of ADHD against high anxiety existance that will makes us both fat, unhappy, and die young. Or we can step back create ourselves and allow each other to choose if we fit right.

Problem being..... he doesn't want to choice. He just wants me to stay. He just wants someone to stay. He's never once been the person to break off a relationship. And I wonder if that's circumstance or if the truth is that he doesn't care who stays as long as someone stays. But that would mean that he doesn't really know who he loves, or what he loves, or what love is. He only knows the fear of being on his own and as long as he doesn't have to face that, as long as he's found some way to block that fear from becoming real then he finds the relationship successful. But his partners are worn out and strained with the responsibility of being responsible for someone who doesn't want to learn how to be responsible for himself or his decisions.

One of my other aunts said something to me last week when I talked with her that made sense to me, I don't remember where she got it but: "If you're scared....do it scared." And that's what I am scared. I have spent my 26 years of life just trying to feel safe and secure. Do I fear living on my own? Do I fear never being a wife? Ya I do. And the truth is that this step that is so hard on him is no picnic for me either. I had to get past the idea that this man, this friend that I have trusted since I was 15, is my last shot at being a wife and having a family. Because that's the panic I feel, that if I screw this on up, there's going to be no one else. And do I fear putting myself out in public? Going to workout classes? Getting to kow anyone? Ya I do. People have always made me anxious, have always left me sitting alone in corner by myself safe, and that anxiety has only worsened with the end of my last relationship and the death of my mother. But I have got to stop waiting for my life to happen to me and start living my life. Do I want a husband who is loving, attentive, and there for me? Hell ya who doesn't. But that kind of thing has to come naturally, and if I choose me, if I choose what I want, what I need, and this current relationship fails me then what was it anyway? I need a relationship that is a part of who I am, who chooses me for what I am, not simply for how much I am willing sacrifice for it, and certainly not one that makes me who I am.

A Sense of Empowerment

I spent some time alone today. I ate dinner by myself, watched a couple of my shows, put on some music, and read a book. That was ok. When my last boyfiend left me I used to profess how I could not stand to be alone and that I could never imagine wanting to live alone. I was not completely unlike my current boyfriend, nor was I completely like him eather. I knew I could function day in and day out, I knew I could cook, and make meals, and keep clean, and get by, but I always stated that I wouldn't be happy. When I made these claims it was asked of me, "If you can't stand to be aroudn yourself how can you expect others to be?" I didn't understand that. But the truth is that it isn't just about being able to be with yourself, it's mostly about being an uninfluenced self. I have had a mostly fluid lifestyle and sense of self for quite some time. In the last few years parts of it has taken on a more solid state but that doesn't mean that it's finished. I'm not done being just me and know who just me is so that I can be a we in a close living space. And if you asked my opinion neither has my current boyfriend. I wish I could get him to see what I see and talk to me about separating our residences in order to be individuals in a realationship before being a unit in the house or marriage. I want to have my own space and I need to figure out how I live what my day to day joys are and what my routine would be if I was just by myself. While life is made for sharing we have been given the gift of family to share it with as individuals and loves to come in later to share the joys we have found in the world for ourselves. I am not against sharing my journy to finding my joy and balence in the world with my boyfriend but I feel it would be best spent separately together.

Lose Lose

I have no idea what to do about my situation what so ever. I'm stuck. And I'm mostly stuck because the man in my life will not give me any wiggle room. I have some serious reservations about the two of us and living together right now will not make it better. But he will not let me not move in. I either move in or he'll move on, which I find to be ridiculously unfair. We have been friends for 12 years, we know each other so well we can read what kind of day the other is having in one syllable of speech, we know the mistakes each other has made in the past, we know what kind of hurt the other has been through in their relationships, we've been there to be the warm soft place to fall when the past relationships come crashing down. So why does this not work? Why have we drowned ourselves in this mess and can't find out footing when we know each other so well?

I had no idea a man of 30 years could be so dependant. The man doesn't think he can survive without me (or without someone living this him rather), literally. If I leave I lose my friend and he'll just head out to find some other girl to care for him. I'm starting to think that the man doesn't want a relationship he wants a surrogate mother, someone to cook him dinner, tell him his clothes don't match, be sure that things are clean, and take the beating of emotional upheaval whenever he has a bad day at work. And yes while as his partner I will be doing a lot of those things it's not a reason to stay with someone. I do love him but I can't be his nurse maid, he needs to want to be with me, not be with me cuz he can't function without me. Shouldn't he want to feel like he can function on his own? Shouldn't he want to feel like a man who can do bring home the bacon and take care of the home and himself as well? Shouldn't he want to want me instead of need me, or anyone else? Or does he really think it's ok to to be so desperate to keep someone just because he can't find the motivation to learn to cook, clean, shop, live on his own two feet? He is making his entire existence, his mental/physical survival my responsibility.

Also he refuses to talk about anything having to do with one of the biggest issues between us, the issue that fuels all the other issues and all his other baggage and all my questions about our future. And no it isn't fair to say it because there's nothing he can do to change that he has ADHD but there are things he can do t manage it. But he won't have a conversation about it. Won't even talk about help, won't talk about how I can help him manage, nothing. His out bursts rev up my anxiety and I end up in a hyper active emotional state that is so very draining all of the time. He was under medication as a teen and child but when he became 18 he stopped taking medication because he didn't see a difference with it. I asked him if he'd checked with the people around him to find out if they had and he wouldn't answer the question, in true ADHD fashion he blew up at me and told me he's tired of people trying to talk to him about it, that every time a girlfriend talks to him about it they leave because they don't want kids that have it. My guess...they leave because he's not willing to seek help for it. The condition makes him hard to be around and hard to live with and I only did it for a week. But he has to be able to talk about things and if he can't then nothing will change, nothing will get better, and life will continue to be difficult for him.

But where does that leave me? If I choose to go home now and apply to a grad program in my home state I will lose my friend and he will never forgive me. If I stay I can always go home but I'll do it thousands of dollars in debt and worse for the wear from trying to salvage/save my relationship/friend.

Observation of the Day

While I'm not an angry person and nothing happened and I did not do this: I tend to verbaly bash other drivers from the inside of my car. And the language does get a little profane at times. However that does not work in a convertable with the top down......lol.

Family Foundations

So I made it to Washington. A good 16 hours in my Mustang and I tell you that is not really the type of car for long trips but that's ok. My panic is subsided and I am feeling much better. My boyfriend and I are getting on much better as well. I believe that I targeted him with my panic because he was something tangible that I could see to target with it. It isn't really his fault and he didn't deserve my sudden onset of unsuredness. But I think the bulk of it has subsided. I got to see all of my family so far but have not gotten to really talk to my aunt yet. But just having the time without any scheduling or lists of things to do or man to be responsible for has given my the chance to clear my thoughts and put myself together. My conclusion.... I have rushed into both school and my relationship. But that doesn't mean that its' wrong. It just means that I have rushed myself and now I need to just take the rest of it at my own pace. Make sure that I'm not running away just on sheer fear. I love my boyfriend he's good and attentive and the mose caring partner I've ever had and he's my friend. I miss him now that I'm gone and I feel soooooooo guilty since he got two days off. But this trip was something that I needed to do and it was important for my wellbeing and for the wellbeing of my relationship. When I go home I will be calmer, more myself, and my in tune with my own feelings. At least that's the goal.

Twisted Around

To move last Tuesday I left home and drove a little over 17 hours south. Now in my lostness I am desperate to go to my family and seek solace there for a few weeks. That is a drive of a little over 18 hours north. My father thinks I'm crazy I think. And perhaps it is a little crazy to turnaround and drive back the other direction only one week later. And I do feel guilty for missing my boyfriends birthday dinner. I fear that there will no forgiveness for that even though his birthday is today. I am in a beyond conflicted state. I need help and advice and someone to talk things out with. But the problem there is the person I really need to talk to about everything is my boyfriend and he wont talk to me. If the conversation becomes even the slightest bit uncomfortable or leans even a little bit toward not moving in together, or toward problems we are having with one another he either throws a fit or becomes a sullen kid. All the world is dramatic to him everything is a big travesty. I have lived through real travesty, I have been through true drama, I can not treat everyday life with that kind of urgency because to be honest when you go through loss, when you go through pain, nothing is worth getting that worked up over. I love him. I do. He's been my most consistent friend for twelve years. I will lose that friend if we can not find a way to talk/work this out. I don't want to give up on this or us.

If I am forced to go back I will be back at square one with school as well. But I guess the thing to do is to decide that even though my MFA program scares me, and I fear that I will be unable to pass my MFA because of having to take undergraduate foreign language classes, I will go through my program as I am enrolled. If it means I move into housing, good for me, financial aid will cover my housing, and I have to get a parking pass, that'll suck cuz they are expensive, and I'll have to get a meal plan, not good for the diet, I will do it anyway. I will fight through and then take my masters home with me to teach if I can. Bottom line: I am finishing this program, it's hard to get into, I'm in, I'm lucky, I'm talented, I was chosen out of hundreds.

Faith and Death

I have been an adolescent of very little belief. I can't claim to not have any faith. But to what our maker wants and what master plan there is I can not say. I have never taken the time to figure out what I believe of after death. And now I will admit that I now have issues because of a lack of knowing what I believe.

A lack of faith in the after life or heaven or a lack of sureness in that faith leaves me conflicted about the loss of my mother. I miss her. I miss her so much it aches. My mothers death was a surprise to my existence. That's not to say we did not have time to prepare as he diagnosis was seven months before her death. But losing a parent at 25 was not something that had even crossed my mind ever. As I'm sure my cousin didn't consider losing a parent at 23 either. In the last three years I have lost two uncles and my mother to cancer, three different kinds of cancer. That loss pulls at my heart every day and I have not found a way to cope. Many find solace in the faith, in the their belief in what comes after and how we are granted forgiveness and taken into the arms of heaven. But I do not have a strong enough conviction of beliefs nor have I put enough thought or research or reading of the Bible or any other book on the matter to find comfort anywhere. The only comfort I had was in being at home and I know despite past postings I can not do forever.

Good Morning

Well here we are at day four of my California seclusion. I am settling in much better. I am feeling better and am starting to get a clearer head. I am going to go see my family for a while spend some time in the comfort of them and talk to my Aunt and Cousin. My Aunt lost her husband two years ago and my cousin acted impulsively jumping into a marriage a few months afterwards. I feel that I have acted impulsively myself but not in an un-salvageable way. I need their experience and strength to straighten my thoughts and find away to be more open with my father about how I'm doing with things. But I am confident that this trip, this little vacation from my rapidly forward moving life is just what I need to keep putting one foot in front of another. I am unsure about the future of my life and my relationship. I believe that my boyfriend and I have some issues, issues that are going to be a fight for him to address but while I feel we may have moved way too quickly of me and gotten into something I'm not quite ready for I believe that we can take it easy from here on out and keep our heads above water and learn to swim together. Now the only place I'm stuck at is leaving on my little vacay. I would like to leave on Tuesday because my boyfriends birthday is Monday, however his mother is having the whole family, myself included, out to dinner for his birthday on Friday. So do I postpone or do I head out? I don't want to hurt his mom's feelings or cause damage to my situation with his family by leaving right before a dinner that's been planned for weeks. So if anyone is out there....what do you think? Take a shorter vacay and stay for celebratory birthday dinner? Or head out Tuesday for two and a half weeks of family comfort and fun?

Trust issues

I have trusted the man I have come to cohabited with. Until yesterday. I have known this man for 12 years and he turns 30 on Monday. So I ask why does he get hysterical and pout like a 16 year old girl when I try to have an adult conversation with him? And why does he seem to be terrified of being out of a relationship? I don't mind being with a man when he loves me, and I do love him. I have loved him for some time, I want him to be happy, health, and competent. But whenever I try to talk to him about my issues with the death of my mother, and how it has made me think that I might have should have waited a year to see anyone or move anywhere or take on school again he panics. I am not saying I wish to leave him I'm saying perhaps we rushed but now that we have rushed let us take things slow and easy. But all he hears is me walking out which is not what I'm saying. Then comes the hysterics "i can't live by myself," "I can't cook," "I'm gonna weigh 300lbs without you." I'm not his mother, I'm not his nanny, I'm not his care giver, I'm his girlfriend, I'm supposed to be his partner, not made, cook, dietitian. And the more hysterical he says these things the more I fear that it's not me he is in love with, it's being taken care of. Had this relationship not been him, had he not been someone I had known for 12 years I would not be living with him after only being in a relationship for three months. But apparently that is not abnormal for him, he moves in with the girls he sees, he lived at home, and then he lived with his now ex wife, then he lived at home, and after two months with his last girlfriend he moved in with her. He talks about the incompetency of others and yet he can't find the strength or a courage to stand alone, be just him. And I'm not going to say I am any better. I have not lived completely solo. I have always had help. And my last boyfriend told me that I should consider living on my own to which I replied I am not that dependant that I need to do that. However I see in my current love what my ex must have seen in a little in me. He can not comprehend how to function on his own. He can pay his bills, find work, find places to live, but when it comes to everyday household things like cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, he believes himself to be inept and incapable of learning. Do I have to be his mom to be his girlfriend?

And then last night he verbally attacks me for confiding in my family and seeking help with my decision making lately. Screams at me to stop talking to everyone and saying that we have problems. I told him who I'd spoken to and what was said, then he asks me to swear on our relationship that that was all the people I talked to and to what I could remember it was. At which point her turns around logs on to MY FACEBOOK opens MY MESSAGES and points at a message to a friend I hadn't spoken to since my mom died. I had forgotten all about the message because it was someone I speak to about once or twice every few years. He storms out to work. At which point I realize he had just used my password and logged into my private things. At which point I am nothing more than pissed. He texts me that he wasn't checking on me, he just felt I wasn't telling him everything, and he's sorry. He violated my privacy and my trust in him.

Changes

I am at a loss. I left home yesterday to move in with my boyfriend in California. I have been living in Montana for around nine years. I am in a total panic. After a full week of my boyfriend and i not getting along one but I am now 1,2oo miles from home living with him. I fear that I have pushed myself too far too fast since my mothers death and since my last breakup. I fear I have made hasty decisions and every inch of my body is screaming, "just go home." I want to be with my dad. I'm 26 and having a full body nervous breakdown and just want my daddy. I am seriously afraid that my father will die. I live in fear that I have missed my opportunity to spend time with him and now I am leaving. I fear that my boyfriend's ADHD is a bad combination with my high anxiety personality. I sit here typing away in the middle of our bed calmer that I have been in three days for an unknown reason. And let me explain that I have spent the last three days crying at hour and a half intervals for fifteen to thirty minutes each. I'm having full on panic attacks with my heart racing, hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face, and my sinuses so plugged I almost choke. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I'm doing, I just know I'm doing. And I feel like every time I leave home, every time I try to find my own little place in the world, find my career, something, anything goes wrong and everything unravels. I'm safe at home, I'm happy at home, I know how to do things at home. Which begs the question: why do we so look down on those that make that choice, the choice to just stay home, take care of the their parents, stay safe? Why is it really that sad of a thing to do? What would be so wrong with just going back, keeping my room, make sure my dad takes care of himself, train dogs (that's what my family does for a living), run ranch equipment, and live my life in the utter knowledge that I am secure, my existence is consistent, I don't have fear, and I can count on things?

The "Fat" Mentality

I was watching "Losing it with Jillian" today and thought to myself....I have that problem. And no I'm not just referring to the excess baggage I carry on my body. The mother on the show's goal at the end was to find herself worthy of love. And to be honest that's how I got to be the way I am in the first place. Somewhere after my second 1 year relationship I decided that no one would love me and packed on fifty pounds. Then I decided that I didn't need all those things, things like love, marriage, and a family. I decided that I could live out my life as a career person and if that life happened to be shortened by my condition then so be it. Now I no longer want to live my life that way. But I'm still stuck. Still stuck with this "heavy brain." I know I want to be healthy. I know I want to fit into the wedding dress in my closet that's a good 2-3 sizes smaller than I am. (Yes I bought it that way, I was, at the time steadily decreasing my weight and even the sales lady thought it was a good idea) I want in about 5 years or so to be free to get pregnant without a doctor questioning if it's safe or not. But even with all that my emotional eating gets the best of me. I can exercise, I don't really mind it that much. I can eat right, I know how to. I can make the changes that I need to make to make my outside be healthy and beautiful. But the question still remains. How do I lose the "Fat" mentality with it?

I wasn't bullied in school, thought I've been heavy my whole life. My parents never put me down directly, just themselves. No one has ever out right hated me. So why is it that I've learned to be such a wonderful critic of myself, but is a champion of support for everyone who walks into my life?

Am I the Slow Friend?

I have reciently concluded that my friends are better than me. (And pardon this note as I'm writing it on my phone) My friends/classmates/other people who graduated high school much later than I have forward moving lives. They have 1-2 children, homes, husbands, wives, full time functioning careers and jobs (let's face it there's a difference between a career and a job). Meanwhile I feel like I'm stuck in this perpetual adolescenc. I do not look like, come across as, function as, have the life of an adult. I am pretty, I have a college eduaction, I'm talented, and I am more intellegent and talented and savy than the average Joe out there. And yet here I am 26 with a whole wad of work skills that no one will hire because I've "never worked", unmarried, and wondering why the hell do I feel like such an anomoly? Am I just lucky to have so many people around me who all from the outside have functioning livesa and families while I am just starting at the begining? Or is the truth really that all the functioning 20 something adults out there simply have one friend that's the slow starter? I feel like a kid among older siblings who by example shout grow-up at me. Its not their fault I know. They are just living their lives. And I am an academic, I know, I was always the girl in school who was gonne climb her way up the degree ladder and have the world at her feet, but why has that meaned that my life didn't grow-up? Besides the truth is is that climbing the degree ladder won't put the world at ur feet anyway, no matter how much your college prepatory high school wants to tell you that. So where does that leave me... stuck somewhere between knowing what I want and being behind getting there. Second bit of truth..... there were somethings I didn't know I always wanted untill the last few yearss. But once you figure out something you want it's hard not to go at it at full speed with determination and gusto, cuz that's what I do but not all things are determined to move forward by ourselves, sometimes its determined by others, sometimes by chance, and sometimes by time itself. So I will continue on in my stunted adulthood and perhaps one day I'll grow out if it

Myself

Though you can find most of the information you would want on my profile. There are some details I would like to confess here before I go on.

This blog is my way of being an open book. I am a very introverted person and tend to not let people in very quickly or easily. I have two friends. My best friend whom lives three thousand miles away and has known me for ten years. My boyfriend. He.... well I can't even begin to describe what he is to me. I was first boyfriend when I was fifteen. He has been my friend for the last 12 years and we have recently reconnected romantically. He is and will ever been the most consistent and caring man in my life.

I am an obese 26 year old. I have been so all my life. In the last year I have lost 50 pounds with the help of Weight Watchers, and at the encouragement of my now ex-boyfriend. We were together for three years. While coping with my mothers illness I went wedding dress shopping with her for fear of not having the opportunity to do so at another time. (I was right about there not going to be another opportunity by the way.) I bought a dress. I bought a $1,600 dress. Two months later he told me he had basically checked out of our relationship a year go and he asked me to move out of our shared apartment. He stole me of my confidence and my self assuredness. Though I will admit I feel that I was stifled by him and put through a lot emotional by our difference of personality.

The following postings will be confessions, observations, and general thoughts and ideas by me as I simply move forward living.