Funny Trick of the Mind

It's 11:40pm and my crazy busy bf is sleeping as he needs to be up at 3. So I quietly watched Pride and Prejudiced on head phones. At the end of the move I silently put the comp away and laid down to sleep. Only sleep will not greet me tonight, just as it eluded me lat night, only tonight is different. The mind is something quite funny, in a not so humorous way. When you lose someone your mind protects you, and attacks you in sperts. Most of the time you forget that they're gone, and that's not the same as forgetting them. Your mind simply views them as missing. And then in an instant, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all, but your brain suddenly decides you need a reminder. They're not just missing, they're gone, as in gone gone, for good gone. Not gonna talk to them again, not gonna hear them say they love you, not gonna hear them say their proud of you, not gonna hug you hello, or kiss you goodbye, not gonna curl up in a heavy quilt to watch movies all night, gone. Tonight, my brain decided I didn't need sleep, I didn't need peace, I needed to be reminded that she's gone. At this very moment if I stop typing and just try to let my mind settle I will sob uncontrollably until I choke and can't breath, in fact I spent the last 20 min doing just that in the bathroom in an attempt to not wake my very hard working boyfriend. Tonight I fear trying to sleep, I fear stopping, I fear putting to computer away, I fear turning off the movie, I fear my own mind tormenting me with the reminder that I don't have a mother anymore. I seem so cycle in and out of these things on a weekly basis at minimum, but no one here knows what to do with me when it happens. I wish I didn't wake up feeling so much emotional hurt that my body aches, I wish I didn't walk through my day angry at the world for existing. Children if they're lucky out live their parents, but we are not built to out live them by this much. I know that it's not fair, I know that there are relatives of my own that relate to the utter unfairness of it all. But do I dare ask God why? Why when I already had no idea what the purpose for my living was would he take the one person who was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest encourager to find my way in the world away from me? I don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have my mother in it. There is a non rightness to it, it's unbalanced, I am unbalanced, and can not find my way. And therefor my mind does me the service day to day of not letting me think about it, not letting me acknowledge the whole in my heart that at times makes every beat of the blood rushing through my veins agonizing. Then that one moment comes along, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all and the reminder chimes in. Gone, as in gone gone.