Lose Lose

I have no idea what to do about my situation what so ever. I'm stuck. And I'm mostly stuck because the man in my life will not give me any wiggle room. I have some serious reservations about the two of us and living together right now will not make it better. But he will not let me not move in. I either move in or he'll move on, which I find to be ridiculously unfair. We have been friends for 12 years, we know each other so well we can read what kind of day the other is having in one syllable of speech, we know the mistakes each other has made in the past, we know what kind of hurt the other has been through in their relationships, we've been there to be the warm soft place to fall when the past relationships come crashing down. So why does this not work? Why have we drowned ourselves in this mess and can't find out footing when we know each other so well?

I had no idea a man of 30 years could be so dependant. The man doesn't think he can survive without me (or without someone living this him rather), literally. If I leave I lose my friend and he'll just head out to find some other girl to care for him. I'm starting to think that the man doesn't want a relationship he wants a surrogate mother, someone to cook him dinner, tell him his clothes don't match, be sure that things are clean, and take the beating of emotional upheaval whenever he has a bad day at work. And yes while as his partner I will be doing a lot of those things it's not a reason to stay with someone. I do love him but I can't be his nurse maid, he needs to want to be with me, not be with me cuz he can't function without me. Shouldn't he want to feel like he can function on his own? Shouldn't he want to feel like a man who can do bring home the bacon and take care of the home and himself as well? Shouldn't he want to want me instead of need me, or anyone else? Or does he really think it's ok to to be so desperate to keep someone just because he can't find the motivation to learn to cook, clean, shop, live on his own two feet? He is making his entire existence, his mental/physical survival my responsibility.

Also he refuses to talk about anything having to do with one of the biggest issues between us, the issue that fuels all the other issues and all his other baggage and all my questions about our future. And no it isn't fair to say it because there's nothing he can do to change that he has ADHD but there are things he can do t manage it. But he won't have a conversation about it. Won't even talk about help, won't talk about how I can help him manage, nothing. His out bursts rev up my anxiety and I end up in a hyper active emotional state that is so very draining all of the time. He was under medication as a teen and child but when he became 18 he stopped taking medication because he didn't see a difference with it. I asked him if he'd checked with the people around him to find out if they had and he wouldn't answer the question, in true ADHD fashion he blew up at me and told me he's tired of people trying to talk to him about it, that every time a girlfriend talks to him about it they leave because they don't want kids that have it. My guess...they leave because he's not willing to seek help for it. The condition makes him hard to be around and hard to live with and I only did it for a week. But he has to be able to talk about things and if he can't then nothing will change, nothing will get better, and life will continue to be difficult for him.

But where does that leave me? If I choose to go home now and apply to a grad program in my home state I will lose my friend and he will never forgive me. If I stay I can always go home but I'll do it thousands of dollars in debt and worse for the wear from trying to salvage/save my relationship/friend.