Twisted Around

To move last Tuesday I left home and drove a little over 17 hours south. Now in my lostness I am desperate to go to my family and seek solace there for a few weeks. That is a drive of a little over 18 hours north. My father thinks I'm crazy I think. And perhaps it is a little crazy to turnaround and drive back the other direction only one week later. And I do feel guilty for missing my boyfriends birthday dinner. I fear that there will no forgiveness for that even though his birthday is today. I am in a beyond conflicted state. I need help and advice and someone to talk things out with. But the problem there is the person I really need to talk to about everything is my boyfriend and he wont talk to me. If the conversation becomes even the slightest bit uncomfortable or leans even a little bit toward not moving in together, or toward problems we are having with one another he either throws a fit or becomes a sullen kid. All the world is dramatic to him everything is a big travesty. I have lived through real travesty, I have been through true drama, I can not treat everyday life with that kind of urgency because to be honest when you go through loss, when you go through pain, nothing is worth getting that worked up over. I love him. I do. He's been my most consistent friend for twelve years. I will lose that friend if we can not find a way to talk/work this out. I don't want to give up on this or us.

If I am forced to go back I will be back at square one with school as well. But I guess the thing to do is to decide that even though my MFA program scares me, and I fear that I will be unable to pass my MFA because of having to take undergraduate foreign language classes, I will go through my program as I am enrolled. If it means I move into housing, good for me, financial aid will cover my housing, and I have to get a parking pass, that'll suck cuz they are expensive, and I'll have to get a meal plan, not good for the diet, I will do it anyway. I will fight through and then take my masters home with me to teach if I can. Bottom line: I am finishing this program, it's hard to get into, I'm in, I'm lucky, I'm talented, I was chosen out of hundreds.