ME!!!

I've spent a lot of time bitching about my boyfriend lately. I guess that's a habit. But today I want to talk about myself. I've been focusing on myself too little lately. I focus on family, I focus on boyfriends, I focus on my dad, I have been doing not much for myself. But, yesterday school started. And the first day of my mission to put me back into myself. I am a school person. I am one of those one in a million people that walks on to a campus sits down in a class room and everything in my goes, "Ahhhh." Even my dreaded German class was comfortable to me. I am in pursuit of my MFA in creative writing, and English degree, and for it I need four semesters of foreign language, why? I don't know, and learning languages is not my strength, but I'll fight it out. And truth: I think it'll be ok, the first class made me very optimistic about it.

Tonight I had my poetry workshop class but before that I elected to go to a water aerobics class. It was a little rigorous cuz I haven't worked out since my mothers death in February. I stopped caring for myself again. I stopped working out, I stopped watching what I eat, I stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings. I was so determined to push my life forward with impulsive decisions that I had stopped caring for my actual life. Because I will admit, as I admitted a year ago when I joined WW, my weight is not at a non health threatening level, it is a danger to me. My uncle asked me this spring why I did it, and I told him cuz I wanted to have kids one day and no doctor would ever let me do that the way I am . His response, "You started to care about you didn't ya?" He was right. I had begun to care what happened to me. Because, somewhere around 20 well after topping out at over 250 I had decided that I didn't need love and I didn't need a long life. I could be academical/career successful and die whenever I died. Then when I met my ex I was 293. Two years into our relationship with a very, to me, definite marriage on the way I began to realize I wasn't healthy enough to do the things we liked to do, I wasn't healthy enough to have kids, and I wasn't healthy enough to live a long life with him. After that relationship imploded in front of me as I watched my mother shrink and die I stopped caring. I've eaten freely feeding my need for comfort all the while saying, "I'm fine." In doing that I've put 20 of the 56 pounds that I lost back on. But I'm not fine. I'm not fine with anything. I've "I'm fined" my way into a mess of a personal life that I know have to put breaks on and back up a bit. I've "I'm fined" my way into waking up day after day ok and then waking up other days and crying uncontrollably.

My boyfriend doesn't know how to help me, doesn't know what to do with me, which is part of the reason that I need my own place. This morning I woke up and made french toast while singing to the radio. It was a good morning, I felt very homely and comfortable. And then I sunk and couldn't contain myself anymore. I burst into tears telling my boyfriend how I am a bad daughter and when I was with my parents in December I should have spent more nights at home and shouldn't have spent so much time with him, and that I was a bad daughter because I missed that time and by the time I got back with her it was too late. It was too late, she had one clear day when I got there, and I spent a week and a half straight with her, but I couldn't talk to her she wasn't coherent, I couldn't even tell her I loved her and have her respond. She wasn't there. I scared him so much that he texted my best friend and told her to call me. Which brought me out of the tears yes, but the funk stays for the day, and sometimes for a few days.

But at least I have my academics again. School has always been my happy place. The place where I can be with people who are like minded or just differently minded enough to teach me something about myself. I am a seeker of knowledge and of something to believe in. And for the first time in my life I am interested in knowing who I would be uninfluenced by the control of infatuation, who I want to be by what I learn about me.