Alone

I have been needing space to be myself. Space to think about myself. Space to heal. And I'm only able to tackle that one step at a time. My boyfriend wants me to tackle everything all at once. He attacked me last night over a bowl of cereal. I realize I've backtracked in my weight, I know, I also know that it's going to take a lot of changes to put my back on track. But I can only take so much change at a time. So we got in a huge fight and I told him he was mean. He cold have used a positive approach to encourage me, have faith in me, but does he do that? No he does this: "so i geuss your giving on weight watchers and your gona eat everytime ur upset. what happened to the sara i met 9 months ago who was determine to lose weight. you might as well quit going and save your money" and it was under the subject "I give up on you." So in the middle of it all he dresses and walks out. Which may work fine for him, but simply pissed me off some more. So I've been angry and upset at him all day. During the tail end of my final class of the day (which ends at 10pm) I get a text telling me he's not coming home tonight. I asked why not and he said, "Giving u space I can tell u want it." So to stifle the frustration and the fact that I fight alone, and never resolve anything with him because he never tells me his side, he never tells me what he thinks, he never tells me what he feels, nothing, I buried myself in chocolate cake. And tomorrow I go to my first Weight Watchers meeting in months. The irony is not amusing.

Ashamed of Myself

I am so not happy with myself right now. I am flirting with a guy online and I have been made at boyfriends for that and if I was my boyfriend right now I would be so pissed and so hurt. What am I doing? I am not this person. I've turned into my ex. And he wasn't really that person either. OMG I've turned into my ex and my BF is me :-( I hate myself.

ME!!!

I've spent a lot of time bitching about my boyfriend lately. I guess that's a habit. But today I want to talk about myself. I've been focusing on myself too little lately. I focus on family, I focus on boyfriends, I focus on my dad, I have been doing not much for myself. But, yesterday school started. And the first day of my mission to put me back into myself. I am a school person. I am one of those one in a million people that walks on to a campus sits down in a class room and everything in my goes, "Ahhhh." Even my dreaded German class was comfortable to me. I am in pursuit of my MFA in creative writing, and English degree, and for it I need four semesters of foreign language, why? I don't know, and learning languages is not my strength, but I'll fight it out. And truth: I think it'll be ok, the first class made me very optimistic about it.

Tonight I had my poetry workshop class but before that I elected to go to a water aerobics class. It was a little rigorous cuz I haven't worked out since my mothers death in February. I stopped caring for myself again. I stopped working out, I stopped watching what I eat, I stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings. I was so determined to push my life forward with impulsive decisions that I had stopped caring for my actual life. Because I will admit, as I admitted a year ago when I joined WW, my weight is not at a non health threatening level, it is a danger to me. My uncle asked me this spring why I did it, and I told him cuz I wanted to have kids one day and no doctor would ever let me do that the way I am . His response, "You started to care about you didn't ya?" He was right. I had begun to care what happened to me. Because, somewhere around 20 well after topping out at over 250 I had decided that I didn't need love and I didn't need a long life. I could be academical/career successful and die whenever I died. Then when I met my ex I was 293. Two years into our relationship with a very, to me, definite marriage on the way I began to realize I wasn't healthy enough to do the things we liked to do, I wasn't healthy enough to have kids, and I wasn't healthy enough to live a long life with him. After that relationship imploded in front of me as I watched my mother shrink and die I stopped caring. I've eaten freely feeding my need for comfort all the while saying, "I'm fine." In doing that I've put 20 of the 56 pounds that I lost back on. But I'm not fine. I'm not fine with anything. I've "I'm fined" my way into a mess of a personal life that I know have to put breaks on and back up a bit. I've "I'm fined" my way into waking up day after day ok and then waking up other days and crying uncontrollably.

My boyfriend doesn't know how to help me, doesn't know what to do with me, which is part of the reason that I need my own place. This morning I woke up and made french toast while singing to the radio. It was a good morning, I felt very homely and comfortable. And then I sunk and couldn't contain myself anymore. I burst into tears telling my boyfriend how I am a bad daughter and when I was with my parents in December I should have spent more nights at home and shouldn't have spent so much time with him, and that I was a bad daughter because I missed that time and by the time I got back with her it was too late. It was too late, she had one clear day when I got there, and I spent a week and a half straight with her, but I couldn't talk to her she wasn't coherent, I couldn't even tell her I loved her and have her respond. She wasn't there. I scared him so much that he texted my best friend and told her to call me. Which brought me out of the tears yes, but the funk stays for the day, and sometimes for a few days.

But at least I have my academics again. School has always been my happy place. The place where I can be with people who are like minded or just differently minded enough to teach me something about myself. I am a seeker of knowledge and of something to believe in. And for the first time in my life I am interested in knowing who I would be uninfluenced by the control of infatuation, who I want to be by what I learn about me.

I Am A Woman

I am a little miffed today. I am spending my morning cleaning. I've got the radio crankin' and normally I would be fine and danddy and good with that. But as I celan I know my boyfriend is going to come home strip his clothes an drop them on the floor right next to the laundry hamper. Then he's going to put on boxers and shorts. The shorts will also be on the floor in the morning. The boxers will be ont he floor of the bathroom next to yet another hamper after his morning shower and he'll eat dinner and leave his plate unwashed and unrinsed on the dresser. We only rent one bedroom in a home, there is very little space and he hates having to travers around. So I ask you why not put his shit in the hamper? Why not wash the dish and put it in the dish washer?

I have known this man forever. He has a wonderful family. All of them clean and well mannered, polite. And I live with someone who makes everything a pig sty, says "Ahhh" when he farts, and never not ever, even in public says excuse me when he burps. He took me to dinner last night and I had on heals, did my make-up, wore a cut dress with jeans to dress it down a little, and he came home and changed out of his suit and put on day old jeans and a t-shirt that showed years of washing. I literally could feel the room going, "what is she doing?"

I get it that men like to be free and I can find the humor int he body. But that doesn't mean you get to act like a neanderthal. I'm a woman, I'm a woman of taste, of manners, and of pliteness. We've only been dating 8 months, where's the courtship, where's the woo? Why am I suddinly someone who doesn't get common curtisy? Doesn't get her hand helt when we walk? When did I become the girl it was ok to walk twice as fast as and then complain at when I'm not right next to him?

Is there not any man out there that's polite? Clean? Complimentary? Treats a woman with respect? Doesn't ridicule every little move she makes from the way she eats to where she put the printer on the desk? And can find their way around a bedroom in a non 1950's manner?

Back in the War Zone

So I have returned to the residence that my boyfriend temporarily share. He has relaized that I do plan on moving out and takes every oppertunity to guilt trip me about it. Trouble for him is that I don't feel guilty about it so he just ends up making me irritated. I am ready to discuss what I see and what I need and what I need to see happen with him to continue on but it seems impossible to discuss anything with the man. He dosen't seem to see anything wrong with making other people be responsible for him. For example: we went grocery shopping yesterday and I was talking about stuff to cook and mentioning what was unhealthy. I'm trying to find my way back into my Weight Watchers regeme. He's statement...."Well since you're leaving it's back to junk food and packing on the pounds for me." WTF? He keeps telling me how we're gonna get healthy, that he wants to lose weight, but what he wants is for me to controll his diet so that he can lose weight and get healthier. But that isn't my responsibility. If he's so self contious and unhappy with how he looks then he should want it enough to change himself.

He also seems to feel like everyone in the world is wrong and he doesn't need to change. I snapped at him last night, and I'll admit that I snapped. But then I asked him if he relizes how critical he sounds all the time. His reaction...."I'm so tired of everyone saying I'm crittical when I'm not." So I asked him what we can change. His reply, "Everyone to stop calling me critical." He doesn't even consider the fact that maybe he is critical and he needs to change how he talks to people. It's not his fault everyone thinks he's critical, it's their fault for thinking it.

He mentioned the other day that he figures that since I'm moving out he doesn't need to get counseling like I asked. I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to open my mouth and say, " No, you don't get it. When I said that if you don't get help for your issues I couldn't do this anymore I meant I couldn't be in this relationship anymore." I would prefer it not come to that. I do love him very much but we are not meshing well and if he continues to refuse to acknowledge his ADHD and his depression issues everyone will continue to walk away and give up on him. No one wants to be is care taker, they want to be his partner.

I have known this man for 12 years I have told him everything that I could possibly tell anyone, he knows everything. However he aparently had this down home 1950's idea about my sexuality, to which I do not conform, but he had no idea that I prefer much more variety in my life than that...untill I opend my mouth about some stuff and then poof....I burst his bubble. I'm 26, I grew up in the land of fun and play, not in the land of "spread your legs and think of england." Everything being very cookie cutter gets very monotonous for me. And supprise sopprise he won't talk about it

Oh and I'm about to spend the night with one of his friends so that I can take her to a Dr appointment tomorrow. I'm sure I'll hear whatever he's been saying to people.

A Day at the Movies

I went to a movie today with my grandmother and aunt. I was sitting around on one of the rare days when I'm here watching TV and Oprah was on. She was talking to Julia Roberts about her role in "Eat, Pray, Love" and suddinly I saw a movie I had to watch and a book I have to read. It's funny that something like that with that story would come out right now in the time of my life. I am no where near the main characters age I am at her cross roads. I left what was essentially a marriage (three year relationship) and jumped into an all consuming relatinship that took over my every thought, word, and move. I love him. I don't want to lose my relationship with him. But I can not move forward from here, I can not heal from here, I can not figure out who I am from here, and he will not get to know the real me if I do not stop it now. We must step back. We must stop the mistake that will ruin our connection and ruin our chances of being together for the long haul. Moving in together now is a mistake. It will stunt my efforts to get better, my efforts to grieve, and will prevent me from being myself. It will stop him from being self sufficient, self confident, and a person of his own making. It will stop him from ceasing to be dependant on others for his ever waking decisions. I want to get to know him for who he is not for who he is by making me make all the decisions. I don't want to create a man to be with for if I create him, he will not be himself, and neither of us will be happy. I want to wake up and learn and workout and chose every day for myself what I am and who I want to be and what I want to do and I want to date. I want to date him, I wan't him to be my boyfriend as it should be, separately getting to know one another. Getting to know each others tastes, habits, favorite shows, laughter. I want to go by his place and know that everything in it is selected by him, for himself, and is apart of who he chooses to be. And I want him to come by my place and see what I do and the things that I keep around me and know that it all is destinctly me and is my taste for myself and is apart of who I choose to be. I want to go out to eat with him and for once not be asked, "What do I like?" And I ask you how does a person not know what they like themselves? Without giving each other space we are not choosing each other we are simply setteling for what we know we can do. We can choose to stay together and get married and go on with this battle of ADHD against high anxiety existance that will makes us both fat, unhappy, and die young. Or we can step back create ourselves and allow each other to choose if we fit right.

Problem being..... he doesn't want to choice. He just wants me to stay. He just wants someone to stay. He's never once been the person to break off a relationship. And I wonder if that's circumstance or if the truth is that he doesn't care who stays as long as someone stays. But that would mean that he doesn't really know who he loves, or what he loves, or what love is. He only knows the fear of being on his own and as long as he doesn't have to face that, as long as he's found some way to block that fear from becoming real then he finds the relationship successful. But his partners are worn out and strained with the responsibility of being responsible for someone who doesn't want to learn how to be responsible for himself or his decisions.

One of my other aunts said something to me last week when I talked with her that made sense to me, I don't remember where she got it but: "If you're scared....do it scared." And that's what I am scared. I have spent my 26 years of life just trying to feel safe and secure. Do I fear living on my own? Do I fear never being a wife? Ya I do. And the truth is that this step that is so hard on him is no picnic for me either. I had to get past the idea that this man, this friend that I have trusted since I was 15, is my last shot at being a wife and having a family. Because that's the panic I feel, that if I screw this on up, there's going to be no one else. And do I fear putting myself out in public? Going to workout classes? Getting to kow anyone? Ya I do. People have always made me anxious, have always left me sitting alone in corner by myself safe, and that anxiety has only worsened with the end of my last relationship and the death of my mother. But I have got to stop waiting for my life to happen to me and start living my life. Do I want a husband who is loving, attentive, and there for me? Hell ya who doesn't. But that kind of thing has to come naturally, and if I choose me, if I choose what I want, what I need, and this current relationship fails me then what was it anyway? I need a relationship that is a part of who I am, who chooses me for what I am, not simply for how much I am willing sacrifice for it, and certainly not one that makes me who I am.

A Sense of Empowerment

I spent some time alone today. I ate dinner by myself, watched a couple of my shows, put on some music, and read a book. That was ok. When my last boyfiend left me I used to profess how I could not stand to be alone and that I could never imagine wanting to live alone. I was not completely unlike my current boyfriend, nor was I completely like him eather. I knew I could function day in and day out, I knew I could cook, and make meals, and keep clean, and get by, but I always stated that I wouldn't be happy. When I made these claims it was asked of me, "If you can't stand to be aroudn yourself how can you expect others to be?" I didn't understand that. But the truth is that it isn't just about being able to be with yourself, it's mostly about being an uninfluenced self. I have had a mostly fluid lifestyle and sense of self for quite some time. In the last few years parts of it has taken on a more solid state but that doesn't mean that it's finished. I'm not done being just me and know who just me is so that I can be a we in a close living space. And if you asked my opinion neither has my current boyfriend. I wish I could get him to see what I see and talk to me about separating our residences in order to be individuals in a realationship before being a unit in the house or marriage. I want to have my own space and I need to figure out how I live what my day to day joys are and what my routine would be if I was just by myself. While life is made for sharing we have been given the gift of family to share it with as individuals and loves to come in later to share the joys we have found in the world for ourselves. I am not against sharing my journy to finding my joy and balence in the world with my boyfriend but I feel it would be best spent separately together.

Lose Lose

I have no idea what to do about my situation what so ever. I'm stuck. And I'm mostly stuck because the man in my life will not give me any wiggle room. I have some serious reservations about the two of us and living together right now will not make it better. But he will not let me not move in. I either move in or he'll move on, which I find to be ridiculously unfair. We have been friends for 12 years, we know each other so well we can read what kind of day the other is having in one syllable of speech, we know the mistakes each other has made in the past, we know what kind of hurt the other has been through in their relationships, we've been there to be the warm soft place to fall when the past relationships come crashing down. So why does this not work? Why have we drowned ourselves in this mess and can't find out footing when we know each other so well?

I had no idea a man of 30 years could be so dependant. The man doesn't think he can survive without me (or without someone living this him rather), literally. If I leave I lose my friend and he'll just head out to find some other girl to care for him. I'm starting to think that the man doesn't want a relationship he wants a surrogate mother, someone to cook him dinner, tell him his clothes don't match, be sure that things are clean, and take the beating of emotional upheaval whenever he has a bad day at work. And yes while as his partner I will be doing a lot of those things it's not a reason to stay with someone. I do love him but I can't be his nurse maid, he needs to want to be with me, not be with me cuz he can't function without me. Shouldn't he want to feel like he can function on his own? Shouldn't he want to feel like a man who can do bring home the bacon and take care of the home and himself as well? Shouldn't he want to want me instead of need me, or anyone else? Or does he really think it's ok to to be so desperate to keep someone just because he can't find the motivation to learn to cook, clean, shop, live on his own two feet? He is making his entire existence, his mental/physical survival my responsibility.

Also he refuses to talk about anything having to do with one of the biggest issues between us, the issue that fuels all the other issues and all his other baggage and all my questions about our future. And no it isn't fair to say it because there's nothing he can do to change that he has ADHD but there are things he can do t manage it. But he won't have a conversation about it. Won't even talk about help, won't talk about how I can help him manage, nothing. His out bursts rev up my anxiety and I end up in a hyper active emotional state that is so very draining all of the time. He was under medication as a teen and child but when he became 18 he stopped taking medication because he didn't see a difference with it. I asked him if he'd checked with the people around him to find out if they had and he wouldn't answer the question, in true ADHD fashion he blew up at me and told me he's tired of people trying to talk to him about it, that every time a girlfriend talks to him about it they leave because they don't want kids that have it. My guess...they leave because he's not willing to seek help for it. The condition makes him hard to be around and hard to live with and I only did it for a week. But he has to be able to talk about things and if he can't then nothing will change, nothing will get better, and life will continue to be difficult for him.

But where does that leave me? If I choose to go home now and apply to a grad program in my home state I will lose my friend and he will never forgive me. If I stay I can always go home but I'll do it thousands of dollars in debt and worse for the wear from trying to salvage/save my relationship/friend.

Observation of the Day

While I'm not an angry person and nothing happened and I did not do this: I tend to verbaly bash other drivers from the inside of my car. And the language does get a little profane at times. However that does not work in a convertable with the top down......lol.

Family Foundations

So I made it to Washington. A good 16 hours in my Mustang and I tell you that is not really the type of car for long trips but that's ok. My panic is subsided and I am feeling much better. My boyfriend and I are getting on much better as well. I believe that I targeted him with my panic because he was something tangible that I could see to target with it. It isn't really his fault and he didn't deserve my sudden onset of unsuredness. But I think the bulk of it has subsided. I got to see all of my family so far but have not gotten to really talk to my aunt yet. But just having the time without any scheduling or lists of things to do or man to be responsible for has given my the chance to clear my thoughts and put myself together. My conclusion.... I have rushed into both school and my relationship. But that doesn't mean that its' wrong. It just means that I have rushed myself and now I need to just take the rest of it at my own pace. Make sure that I'm not running away just on sheer fear. I love my boyfriend he's good and attentive and the mose caring partner I've ever had and he's my friend. I miss him now that I'm gone and I feel soooooooo guilty since he got two days off. But this trip was something that I needed to do and it was important for my wellbeing and for the wellbeing of my relationship. When I go home I will be calmer, more myself, and my in tune with my own feelings. At least that's the goal.

Twisted Around

To move last Tuesday I left home and drove a little over 17 hours south. Now in my lostness I am desperate to go to my family and seek solace there for a few weeks. That is a drive of a little over 18 hours north. My father thinks I'm crazy I think. And perhaps it is a little crazy to turnaround and drive back the other direction only one week later. And I do feel guilty for missing my boyfriends birthday dinner. I fear that there will no forgiveness for that even though his birthday is today. I am in a beyond conflicted state. I need help and advice and someone to talk things out with. But the problem there is the person I really need to talk to about everything is my boyfriend and he wont talk to me. If the conversation becomes even the slightest bit uncomfortable or leans even a little bit toward not moving in together, or toward problems we are having with one another he either throws a fit or becomes a sullen kid. All the world is dramatic to him everything is a big travesty. I have lived through real travesty, I have been through true drama, I can not treat everyday life with that kind of urgency because to be honest when you go through loss, when you go through pain, nothing is worth getting that worked up over. I love him. I do. He's been my most consistent friend for twelve years. I will lose that friend if we can not find a way to talk/work this out. I don't want to give up on this or us.

If I am forced to go back I will be back at square one with school as well. But I guess the thing to do is to decide that even though my MFA program scares me, and I fear that I will be unable to pass my MFA because of having to take undergraduate foreign language classes, I will go through my program as I am enrolled. If it means I move into housing, good for me, financial aid will cover my housing, and I have to get a parking pass, that'll suck cuz they are expensive, and I'll have to get a meal plan, not good for the diet, I will do it anyway. I will fight through and then take my masters home with me to teach if I can. Bottom line: I am finishing this program, it's hard to get into, I'm in, I'm lucky, I'm talented, I was chosen out of hundreds.

Faith and Death

I have been an adolescent of very little belief. I can't claim to not have any faith. But to what our maker wants and what master plan there is I can not say. I have never taken the time to figure out what I believe of after death. And now I will admit that I now have issues because of a lack of knowing what I believe.

A lack of faith in the after life or heaven or a lack of sureness in that faith leaves me conflicted about the loss of my mother. I miss her. I miss her so much it aches. My mothers death was a surprise to my existence. That's not to say we did not have time to prepare as he diagnosis was seven months before her death. But losing a parent at 25 was not something that had even crossed my mind ever. As I'm sure my cousin didn't consider losing a parent at 23 either. In the last three years I have lost two uncles and my mother to cancer, three different kinds of cancer. That loss pulls at my heart every day and I have not found a way to cope. Many find solace in the faith, in the their belief in what comes after and how we are granted forgiveness and taken into the arms of heaven. But I do not have a strong enough conviction of beliefs nor have I put enough thought or research or reading of the Bible or any other book on the matter to find comfort anywhere. The only comfort I had was in being at home and I know despite past postings I can not do forever.

Good Morning

Well here we are at day four of my California seclusion. I am settling in much better. I am feeling better and am starting to get a clearer head. I am going to go see my family for a while spend some time in the comfort of them and talk to my Aunt and Cousin. My Aunt lost her husband two years ago and my cousin acted impulsively jumping into a marriage a few months afterwards. I feel that I have acted impulsively myself but not in an un-salvageable way. I need their experience and strength to straighten my thoughts and find away to be more open with my father about how I'm doing with things. But I am confident that this trip, this little vacation from my rapidly forward moving life is just what I need to keep putting one foot in front of another. I am unsure about the future of my life and my relationship. I believe that my boyfriend and I have some issues, issues that are going to be a fight for him to address but while I feel we may have moved way too quickly of me and gotten into something I'm not quite ready for I believe that we can take it easy from here on out and keep our heads above water and learn to swim together. Now the only place I'm stuck at is leaving on my little vacay. I would like to leave on Tuesday because my boyfriends birthday is Monday, however his mother is having the whole family, myself included, out to dinner for his birthday on Friday. So do I postpone or do I head out? I don't want to hurt his mom's feelings or cause damage to my situation with his family by leaving right before a dinner that's been planned for weeks. So if anyone is out there....what do you think? Take a shorter vacay and stay for celebratory birthday dinner? Or head out Tuesday for two and a half weeks of family comfort and fun?