You Create What You Get

I know how bad it is to be a snoopy girlfriend. I don't like being one and I don't think I should have to be. But I'm not a controlling person and I don't monitor everything by boyfriend does, if he says I don't have to worry about something I should be able to not worry about it. But I was told when my last relationship went belly up that I should try to remember my gut had it right all along. So now I have trouble not getting snoopy. Well I'm following my gut now and I'm not liking it. I noticed about three weeks ago that my BF had gotten in contact with an ex and was texting with her constantly, I stayed out of specifics, I told him I thought telling another person that you "have feelings for them" and exchanging pictures was in appropriate and on the road to cheating. I did it cuz I knew he had done this with her. I asked him if any of this had happened, he said point blank and plain toned that it had not. He lied. Then he went to have coffee with her, and I was with my dad, so a while later the texts me to tell me he's having dinner with her and her roommate, and her BF would be there soon. I told him I was not comfortable with that. He didn't seem to care. Now I look at his phone and heres a text to from him to here saying how she hurt him and lead him on and what not. In his mail is her

response:

i told you i loved you and i do yes but you never truly apologized for the thing that you actually did: cheated. so i'm sorry i didn't exactly trust you after you told me you had A GIRLFRIEND and were trying to hook up with me so forgive me if i seemed like I was leading you on but honestly... you made me feel like a "misty"

Misty is his ex-wife. Whenever someone asks about what he's up to or who people are he accuses them of being a "Misty". But the truth is that he cheats, he's cheated on everyone I've met. And then he gets upset that people want to know what he's up to. But that's neither here nor there. The issue right now is that my gut was right. He had an intent to hook up with this girl and when she refused him he got up-set and started slinging mud at her, "you led me on and hurt me but I guess you don't care." I was right, this girl was a threat and I saw her as one and he made me feel like I was crazy and made me feel bad by saying I was acting like a "misty." Truth, he deserves suspicion and therefor gets suspicion and turns women into the "misty's" he doesn't like.

Funny Trick of the Mind

It's 11:40pm and my crazy busy bf is sleeping as he needs to be up at 3. So I quietly watched Pride and Prejudiced on head phones. At the end of the move I silently put the comp away and laid down to sleep. Only sleep will not greet me tonight, just as it eluded me lat night, only tonight is different. The mind is something quite funny, in a not so humorous way. When you lose someone your mind protects you, and attacks you in sperts. Most of the time you forget that they're gone, and that's not the same as forgetting them. Your mind simply views them as missing. And then in an instant, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all, but your brain suddenly decides you need a reminder. They're not just missing, they're gone, as in gone gone, for good gone. Not gonna talk to them again, not gonna hear them say they love you, not gonna hear them say their proud of you, not gonna hug you hello, or kiss you goodbye, not gonna curl up in a heavy quilt to watch movies all night, gone. Tonight, my brain decided I didn't need sleep, I didn't need peace, I needed to be reminded that she's gone. At this very moment if I stop typing and just try to let my mind settle I will sob uncontrollably until I choke and can't breath, in fact I spent the last 20 min doing just that in the bathroom in an attempt to not wake my very hard working boyfriend. Tonight I fear trying to sleep, I fear stopping, I fear putting to computer away, I fear turning off the movie, I fear my own mind tormenting me with the reminder that I don't have a mother anymore. I seem so cycle in and out of these things on a weekly basis at minimum, but no one here knows what to do with me when it happens. I wish I didn't wake up feeling so much emotional hurt that my body aches, I wish I didn't walk through my day angry at the world for existing. Children if they're lucky out live their parents, but we are not built to out live them by this much. I know that it's not fair, I know that there are relatives of my own that relate to the utter unfairness of it all. But do I dare ask God why? Why when I already had no idea what the purpose for my living was would he take the one person who was my biggest cheerleader, my biggest encourager to find my way in the world away from me? I don't know how to exist in a world that doesn't have my mother in it. There is a non rightness to it, it's unbalanced, I am unbalanced, and can not find my way. And therefor my mind does me the service day to day of not letting me think about it, not letting me acknowledge the whole in my heart that at times makes every beat of the blood rushing through my veins agonizing. Then that one moment comes along, maybe you did something, maybe you cooked something, maybe you didn't to anything at all and the reminder chimes in. Gone, as in gone gone.

Introverted

I'm a girl who likes her down time. I'm not outgoing, though I am a people person, I get along great with everyone I meet. But, at the end of the week I like to have a day were I don't get dressed and I just lounge in my sweats and T's and I'm a happy girl. I have had several boyfriends that don't understand this part of me. I am active, I know (despite my weight) that it is important to be active, I am friendly, I like people, I like being out, but I need to be allowed to slow down.

It was a long weekend last weekend, and I hope that all had a great Labor Day. I did and I didn't. I was in a great area, went swimming in rivers, enjoyed some new sights and scenery, and fraught with my boyfriend everyday. We'd have a perfect time, a PERFECT time, and then all of a sudden he's yelling at me, or I'm yelling at him, sometimes I can't even figure out how we got there. It's like the other night when we were on our way home from the weekend. We stopped and

head dinner, and we were in the car and everything was great, I was having a great time with him, we're talking

away, and everything is fine, and right in the middle of our discussion he picks up the phone while I'm still talking and calls his friend. WTF? Needless to say I was pissed. The rest of the night was a bust :-(

A new week at school has begun and I am loving my classes. I have to say that the decision to

return to academics is not something I regret at all. And operation gain space has also started. My dad brought my trailer down on Wednesday. He cam in at 3pm and left the next morning at 8. I was/am very sad. I miss him. I've never experienced this strong of a need to be with my family before. It used to be when my family hit the road I was down a little, but I wasn't devastated, now my feeling to be with him and have him around is almost unbearable.

Being Your Own Person

I'm not gonna say that I don't change for people around me, it's always been a problem, but I've always been able to stay true the the core of myself. It has taken a long time and a lot of work but I like knowing that I am myself no matter what and no matter who. My boyfriend and I had a discussion the other day and in some manner we got around to here:

me: "You say that like you're a different person all together when you're not with someone?"

Him: "I am."

Me: "And you think that's ok?"

Him: shrugs

Which begs the question: If you changes totally into a different person when you get into a relationship doesn't that make it not work? Doesn't that mean that the person that you're with gets to know one you, chooses to get in a relationship with you, and then finds themselves in a relationship with someone else?

I've known my BF for 12 years. He was a sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going, loving, compassionate person. And that is what I loved about him. I'm wondering where he went. Now he's secretive, distant, has no compassion, or understanding, he doesn't talk about things with me. I used to talk to him about everything when we were friends. When I was having trouble with my relationship I would come to him and he and I were always on the same page about things, about openness, about morals, about what's proper and ok and whats not. And now I don't see that person anymore, currently I see my last ex at the end. Keeping secrets, not telling me who people are, hiding things, I feel it in my gut that what's happening now is exactly what happened between me an my ex right before he cheated. I'm so confused and upset I want the man that I've known all this time back

The Big O

THE FOLLOWING BLOG IS NOT SUITABLE FOR THE LIGHT HEARTED AND THE CONTENT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS.

I would just like to pose the question: If you are in no way in pursuit of reproduction the point of sex is not only to connect with your partner but also to make it to the finish line right? And I speak for women in general when I say that if we don't get there through the run of the mill intercourse we do expect the courtesy of having help obtaining it through other means when we have gotten you yours. We're not asking for an hour long parade or anything extravagant or overly kinky (in most cases) we just want to have enjoyed ourselves as much as you have. And if you don't care if we make it or not then you are a totally discourteous and selfish bedroom partner. If you're not going to care it I cum then I will not care if you come which is going to end in the end of our sex life in my opinion. Why should I do you the service when you aren't going to return the favor? When you can't take the extra few minutes before or after to be sure that I get my last hora as much as you?