Again

I have come full circle again. Back to my train of thought from January. I'm a big girl and I'm a broken girl. Too much has happened to me in the past year and there are lots of things that I need to work through for myself. And I need a big boy to be by my side. I don't want a youngin and I don't want an overgrown youngin. I am a grown up. I think like a grown up, and I want a man that thinks like a grown-up too. I want someone that is getting going, I want a man that's got some idea for how they want their life to go. I want a man that's getting his act together and is ready to share that with me. I think the key to attracting a different kind of man is to simply focus on myself and not on the man. If I keep myself moving and I put my life together and make good changes on myself then I will have the potential to attract different men.

I need to refocus myself. I've let myself go by the way side and I need to get back on track. A year and a half ago I was steadily loosing weight and getting healthier. That was important to me in many ways. I want to be healthy enough to have kids in my thirties, I want to be able to fit into the wedding dress my mom and I picked out before she died one day. I want to live my life to the fullest. But here I am back at square one having put back on all 53lbs that I lost and it's killing me. It's killing me mentally, emotionally, physically, it's killing me in every way possible. I want to rewind, I want to go back two years, I want to go back to when I was happy, when I was sure, when I knew where I was going, I knew generally what my life was doing, where it was going, who I was going to be with, and my future looked bright. But, that's not going to happen. I can't rewind time. I can rewind what I've done to my body, I can fix what I do with myself.

Three months down the road.

Well I made the decision to break it off with the man who was making me miserable. Back at the beginning of January but the at the beginning of February I found myself sick and in need of help. He was the only one I had around. So we started hanging our and started sort of seeing one another. Now I'm head long in the same ol' drama I had even though I said over and over again that I was not willing to be in a committed relationship with him at this time. Though he seems not to hear it. I keep telling him that if can not keep seeing me because I won't commit to him that is a valid choice for him but he doesn't want to cut me loose even though I can't give him what he wants. But he is the least of my dilemma right now. What is going on with him is the same o same o. I'm tired of being with someone who is emotionaly manipulative and plays on my feelings to get what he wants. Where I'm stuck is I do think he is a genuine danger to himself, I have been pulled into a corner and cant decide if I should contact his mom or not. How/why did I make this u-turn in life?

In the mean time I have apparently been completely oblivious to the adoration of another person in my life. And not only oblivious but it was simply something I would not have considered. However I have to say off the bat that I have been spending a lot of time with him in the past week and have been happy, content, at ease, and completely myself. No walking on egg shells, no being careful of what I say, no criticism, no conflict. But now the dilemma... he's 7 years younger than me. Is this a problem? I don't know. Should it matter? I don't know. Is is it strang? Yes 100% yes. The thing is I've never dated/been with/ considered being with anyone any less than four years older than me. I don't really know what this all means. We have an ease and comfort with one another, there's no faking it, we genuinely have a good time together and now have enjoyed our flirtation with stepping it up a little. This person in my life has lead a much more sheltered existence than me. I am more experienced than him in every way, this is something I've never dealt with, and to be honest I'm not sure how to deal with it. So I would like to say props to the men out there that date down a little and do all of that mental calculating on how much your inexperienced conquest/object of affection can take. I don't know what to do with this. I'm in graduate school. He's just starting college. When I graduated High School he was in 5th grade. When I started 1st grade he was being born. Does it matter?

December

Well I've made it to the last two weeks of the semester and I'm happy to report that school was a right on the money idea. It pleases me to be in an academic setting with people who have a passion for what I love as well.

The death of my mother continues to be a struggle, made worse by my father. I believe him to be taking a romantic interest in someone and it is something that I do not approve of and in the spirit of frankness fucks with my head. If it's true that he's taking an interest in this woman it would go against everything I believe about love and everything I hope to exist about love.

My BF and I are truly on the way out. I found him talking dirty with another woman and telling

her that she should maybe get on birth control just in case they do anything. And he was gonna meet up with her for a movie and then her place, so I tied him up all day doing things so he couldn't get there, he told her he was at work. She's being just a deceived as he's trying to be with me. I am seriously reliving the demise of my last relationship. So I gathered my things and left the ball in his court with a note telling him he needs to man up and be honest and stop lying and that he knows what I'm talking about. He's so used to playing the victim that I want him to get some balls and break up with me. I know this doesn't work and he knows it doesn't but he wants me to be the bad guy, he wants to be able to run around going, "woe is me, I'm so heart broken, she left me, they always leave me." I want him to empower himself and call the break up.

What Was I Thinking

I have been dabbling. And it's not nice to dabble. I've been dabbling in an online dating site that I met my ex on. Mostly I used to just used it to occupy time on campus during my undergrad. But now I have been actively up dating my page and talking to men online. And two days ago I actually went on a date with one. It's not nice to dabble. He was a nice man. I liked his company just fine. But we were just as awkward and fishing for conversation in person as we were online. And the problem isn't just that I think hes a nice man but isn't even close to masculine enough for me, it's also that the second that I made the date I realized that it was a mistake. I don't need to be dating right now. I knew right away after agreeing to meet him that I should not have that I was doing something I hoped I was ready to do but am not really ready for at all. Truth, even if I wasn't in a semi relationship with some one already and was totally single from my breakup last year still I wouldn't be ready anyway. I have not grown past my relationship with my ex. I know that everyone in my life had this overwhelming reaction of "oh thank god" when we broke up, but that is part of the problem. It's made me feel that I should have been relieved too and that I should just move on. But people don't just move on right away after a divorce or a death, how should I have expected myself to move on after a 3 relationship that I had found permanent. And no I don't mean in that "we'll get married some day kind of way" in a "oh ya we'll get married next fall" kind of way. I even had a wedding dress.

I have never been one to be all gun hoe and comfortable with being alone. I am a relationship person. But that doesn't give me the right to go running around meeting men knowing that it's not going to work simply because I don't really want it to. Last year I thought I was gonna be holding my wedding two months ago. Not looking at an undefined future of I don't know if anyone will ever love me and I don't know that I can love anyone the way I loved my ex. I miss him, I miss the future that I saw us having, I miss the life that I saw ahead of me, the stability of having something in my life that made me happy and was all set. I keep wanting to push down the fact that I miss him. I love my psudo BF and he is also a wonderful man, though one with issues that I think he should address, he is a wonderful man, and my friend for 12 years, I do love him. But, like we said to one another we may love one another but we don't seem to be in love with one another. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that it is better to be on your own and happy than with someone and miserable. But I'm not sure how to come to grips with that. It's a scary idea to think "I'm single" when you haven't been for four years. And I don't want things with my friend/BF to go badly. I need him, I need him to stay my friend even if the relationship doesn't work, without him I am totally alone where I'm living. I'd have no friends, no family, and no support without him.

A little poetry

Waves over rocks

roll on with

the power of spring thaw

reminds me that life

keeps cycling

I remember you

with your fish line

and indicators and

how the geese watched

you eat lunch.

I miss you

watching you cheat

at fishing

and my sing song words

written on a napkin

I miss dangling my toes

in the icy snow melt

the air too hot

the water too cold

I miss stretching out

on a rock and watching

clouds roll by

a dog splashes joyfully

and you at peace

with the world and God

I remember love

and how my heart

decided on you

that night and

I ache with your leaving

even a year later

Waves over rocks

roll on with the power

of spring thaw

and reminds me that life

keeps cycling

pushing the bank and

making things new

Life and What I Want Out of it

1. A man who loves me for me. Looks at all the clumsyness, bad grammar, poor spelling, smiles and thinks that's my girl.

2. Publish a poetry book.

3. A home of my own and a family in it.

4. An accomplished comfortable career with a comfortable living on which I can live, read, watch, and smile.

5. To live near family.

6. To have friends that will be there through every neurosci and bitchy day.

7. To be healthy.

Cornered

I don't know what to do any more. He is my friend. He needs help. I have come to know that he has endured a massive amount of abuse. I can't fix him, and I can fully admit to both him and the world that I can't live with the side effects either. I haven always been up front and honest with him. I told him I can not be his life coach. I can be his friend, I can be his partner, but I can not save him from himself. I recently found out that he's not only been put through the ringer with many women but he's spent a lot of time staying in relationships that were abusive just because the other person said they loved him. He's been dumbed down and repressed so much that he doesn't even enjoy sex because an ex used to yell at him. I love him, I do, I've loved him all my life, but I can not be in a relationship that is controlled by this crazy behavior. I'm a 26 year old woman, I'm sexual, I'm an open communicator, and I believe that relationships are not one sided they have to be about team work. But in this relationship the team doing all the work is me. He's not doing anything. The world is wrong and I'm crazy to him. He keeps telling me how these things were not a problem with other people.... but HELLO- they left! I'm trying to stay I'm trying to make it work. But I can't make it work if he won't work on himself. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy. I want him to be comfortable in his own skin. He's not any of those things. I can't rescue him....I can't rescue him.... I need him to rescue himself for himself he can't rescue himself for me. He deserves to be better, be deserves to be himself, he deserves to allow himself to enjoy sex with the person he loves. I am not willing to be in a communication free, sexless relationship, that is not the life I want. I want someone who is an equal with me. Someone who talks with me about our issues, works them out with me, enjoys intimacy with me. Not this.