Again

I have come full circle again. Back to my train of thought from January. I'm a big girl and I'm a broken girl. Too much has happened to me in the past year and there are lots of things that I need to work through for myself. And I need a big boy to be by my side. I don't want a youngin and I don't want an overgrown youngin. I am a grown up. I think like a grown up, and I want a man that thinks like a grown-up too. I want someone that is getting going, I want a man that's got some idea for how they want their life to go. I want a man that's getting his act together and is ready to share that with me. I think the key to attracting a different kind of man is to simply focus on myself and not on the man. If I keep myself moving and I put my life together and make good changes on myself then I will have the potential to attract different men.

I need to refocus myself. I've let myself go by the way side and I need to get back on track. A year and a half ago I was steadily loosing weight and getting healthier. That was important to me in many ways. I want to be healthy enough to have kids in my thirties, I want to be able to fit into the wedding dress my mom and I picked out before she died one day. I want to live my life to the fullest. But here I am back at square one having put back on all 53lbs that I lost and it's killing me. It's killing me mentally, emotionally, physically, it's killing me in every way possible. I want to rewind, I want to go back two years, I want to go back to when I was happy, when I was sure, when I knew where I was going, I knew generally what my life was doing, where it was going, who I was going to be with, and my future looked bright. But, that's not going to happen. I can't rewind time. I can rewind what I've done to my body, I can fix what I do with myself.

Three months down the road.

Well I made the decision to break it off with the man who was making me miserable. Back at the beginning of January but the at the beginning of February I found myself sick and in need of help. He was the only one I had around. So we started hanging our and started sort of seeing one another. Now I'm head long in the same ol' drama I had even though I said over and over again that I was not willing to be in a committed relationship with him at this time. Though he seems not to hear it. I keep telling him that if can not keep seeing me because I won't commit to him that is a valid choice for him but he doesn't want to cut me loose even though I can't give him what he wants. But he is the least of my dilemma right now. What is going on with him is the same o same o. I'm tired of being with someone who is emotionaly manipulative and plays on my feelings to get what he wants. Where I'm stuck is I do think he is a genuine danger to himself, I have been pulled into a corner and cant decide if I should contact his mom or not. How/why did I make this u-turn in life?

In the mean time I have apparently been completely oblivious to the adoration of another person in my life. And not only oblivious but it was simply something I would not have considered. However I have to say off the bat that I have been spending a lot of time with him in the past week and have been happy, content, at ease, and completely myself. No walking on egg shells, no being careful of what I say, no criticism, no conflict. But now the dilemma... he's 7 years younger than me. Is this a problem? I don't know. Should it matter? I don't know. Is is it strang? Yes 100% yes. The thing is I've never dated/been with/ considered being with anyone any less than four years older than me. I don't really know what this all means. We have an ease and comfort with one another, there's no faking it, we genuinely have a good time together and now have enjoyed our flirtation with stepping it up a little. This person in my life has lead a much more sheltered existence than me. I am more experienced than him in every way, this is something I've never dealt with, and to be honest I'm not sure how to deal with it. So I would like to say props to the men out there that date down a little and do all of that mental calculating on how much your inexperienced conquest/object of affection can take. I don't know what to do with this. I'm in graduate school. He's just starting college. When I graduated High School he was in 5th grade. When I started 1st grade he was being born. Does it matter?