What Was I Thinking

I have been dabbling. And it's not nice to dabble. I've been dabbling in an online dating site that I met my ex on. Mostly I used to just used it to occupy time on campus during my undergrad. But now I have been actively up dating my page and talking to men online. And two days ago I actually went on a date with one. It's not nice to dabble. He was a nice man. I liked his company just fine. But we were just as awkward and fishing for conversation in person as we were online. And the problem isn't just that I think hes a nice man but isn't even close to masculine enough for me, it's also that the second that I made the date I realized that it was a mistake. I don't need to be dating right now. I knew right away after agreeing to meet him that I should not have that I was doing something I hoped I was ready to do but am not really ready for at all. Truth, even if I wasn't in a semi relationship with some one already and was totally single from my breakup last year still I wouldn't be ready anyway. I have not grown past my relationship with my ex. I know that everyone in my life had this overwhelming reaction of "oh thank god" when we broke up, but that is part of the problem. It's made me feel that I should have been relieved too and that I should just move on. But people don't just move on right away after a divorce or a death, how should I have expected myself to move on after a 3 relationship that I had found permanent. And no I don't mean in that "we'll get married some day kind of way" in a "oh ya we'll get married next fall" kind of way. I even had a wedding dress.

I have never been one to be all gun hoe and comfortable with being alone. I am a relationship person. But that doesn't give me the right to go running around meeting men knowing that it's not going to work simply because I don't really want it to. Last year I thought I was gonna be holding my wedding two months ago. Not looking at an undefined future of I don't know if anyone will ever love me and I don't know that I can love anyone the way I loved my ex. I miss him, I miss the future that I saw us having, I miss the life that I saw ahead of me, the stability of having something in my life that made me happy and was all set. I keep wanting to push down the fact that I miss him. I love my psudo BF and he is also a wonderful man, though one with issues that I think he should address, he is a wonderful man, and my friend for 12 years, I do love him. But, like we said to one another we may love one another but we don't seem to be in love with one another. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that it is better to be on your own and happy than with someone and miserable. But I'm not sure how to come to grips with that. It's a scary idea to think "I'm single" when you haven't been for four years. And I don't want things with my friend/BF to go badly. I need him, I need him to stay my friend even if the relationship doesn't work, without him I am totally alone where I'm living. I'd have no friends, no family, and no support without him.

A little poetry

Waves over rocks

roll on with

the power of spring thaw

reminds me that life

keeps cycling

I remember you

with your fish line

and indicators and

how the geese watched

you eat lunch.

I miss you

watching you cheat

at fishing

and my sing song words

written on a napkin

I miss dangling my toes

in the icy snow melt

the air too hot

the water too cold

I miss stretching out

on a rock and watching

clouds roll by

a dog splashes joyfully

and you at peace

with the world and God

I remember love

and how my heart

decided on you

that night and

I ache with your leaving

even a year later

Waves over rocks

roll on with the power

of spring thaw

and reminds me that life

keeps cycling

pushing the bank and

making things new

Life and What I Want Out of it

1. A man who loves me for me. Looks at all the clumsyness, bad grammar, poor spelling, smiles and thinks that's my girl.

2. Publish a poetry book.

3. A home of my own and a family in it.

4. An accomplished comfortable career with a comfortable living on which I can live, read, watch, and smile.

5. To live near family.

6. To have friends that will be there through every neurosci and bitchy day.

7. To be healthy.

Cornered

I don't know what to do any more. He is my friend. He needs help. I have come to know that he has endured a massive amount of abuse. I can't fix him, and I can fully admit to both him and the world that I can't live with the side effects either. I haven always been up front and honest with him. I told him I can not be his life coach. I can be his friend, I can be his partner, but I can not save him from himself. I recently found out that he's not only been put through the ringer with many women but he's spent a lot of time staying in relationships that were abusive just because the other person said they loved him. He's been dumbed down and repressed so much that he doesn't even enjoy sex because an ex used to yell at him. I love him, I do, I've loved him all my life, but I can not be in a relationship that is controlled by this crazy behavior. I'm a 26 year old woman, I'm sexual, I'm an open communicator, and I believe that relationships are not one sided they have to be about team work. But in this relationship the team doing all the work is me. He's not doing anything. The world is wrong and I'm crazy to him. He keeps telling me how these things were not a problem with other people.... but HELLO- they left! I'm trying to stay I'm trying to make it work. But I can't make it work if he won't work on himself. I want him to be happy. I want him to be healthy. I want him to be comfortable in his own skin. He's not any of those things. I can't rescue him....I can't rescue him.... I need him to rescue himself for himself he can't rescue himself for me. He deserves to be better, be deserves to be himself, he deserves to allow himself to enjoy sex with the person he loves. I am not willing to be in a communication free, sexless relationship, that is not the life I want. I want someone who is an equal with me. Someone who talks with me about our issues, works them out with me, enjoys intimacy with me. Not this.