Trust issues

I have trusted the man I have come to cohabited with. Until yesterday. I have known this man for 12 years and he turns 30 on Monday. So I ask why does he get hysterical and pout like a 16 year old girl when I try to have an adult conversation with him? And why does he seem to be terrified of being out of a relationship? I don't mind being with a man when he loves me, and I do love him. I have loved him for some time, I want him to be happy, health, and competent. But whenever I try to talk to him about my issues with the death of my mother, and how it has made me think that I might have should have waited a year to see anyone or move anywhere or take on school again he panics. I am not saying I wish to leave him I'm saying perhaps we rushed but now that we have rushed let us take things slow and easy. But all he hears is me walking out which is not what I'm saying. Then comes the hysterics "i can't live by myself," "I can't cook," "I'm gonna weigh 300lbs without you." I'm not his mother, I'm not his nanny, I'm not his care giver, I'm his girlfriend, I'm supposed to be his partner, not made, cook, dietitian. And the more hysterical he says these things the more I fear that it's not me he is in love with, it's being taken care of. Had this relationship not been him, had he not been someone I had known for 12 years I would not be living with him after only being in a relationship for three months. But apparently that is not abnormal for him, he moves in with the girls he sees, he lived at home, and then he lived with his now ex wife, then he lived at home, and after two months with his last girlfriend he moved in with her. He talks about the incompetency of others and yet he can't find the strength or a courage to stand alone, be just him. And I'm not going to say I am any better. I have not lived completely solo. I have always had help. And my last boyfriend told me that I should consider living on my own to which I replied I am not that dependant that I need to do that. However I see in my current love what my ex must have seen in a little in me. He can not comprehend how to function on his own. He can pay his bills, find work, find places to live, but when it comes to everyday household things like cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, he believes himself to be inept and incapable of learning. Do I have to be his mom to be his girlfriend?

And then last night he verbally attacks me for confiding in my family and seeking help with my decision making lately. Screams at me to stop talking to everyone and saying that we have problems. I told him who I'd spoken to and what was said, then he asks me to swear on our relationship that that was all the people I talked to and to what I could remember it was. At which point her turns around logs on to MY FACEBOOK opens MY MESSAGES and points at a message to a friend I hadn't spoken to since my mom died. I had forgotten all about the message because it was someone I speak to about once or twice every few years. He storms out to work. At which point I realize he had just used my password and logged into my private things. At which point I am nothing more than pissed. He texts me that he wasn't checking on me, he just felt I wasn't telling him everything, and he's sorry. He violated my privacy and my trust in him.

Changes

I am at a loss. I left home yesterday to move in with my boyfriend in California. I have been living in Montana for around nine years. I am in a total panic. After a full week of my boyfriend and i not getting along one but I am now 1,2oo miles from home living with him. I fear that I have pushed myself too far too fast since my mothers death and since my last breakup. I fear I have made hasty decisions and every inch of my body is screaming, "just go home." I want to be with my dad. I'm 26 and having a full body nervous breakdown and just want my daddy. I am seriously afraid that my father will die. I live in fear that I have missed my opportunity to spend time with him and now I am leaving. I fear that my boyfriend's ADHD is a bad combination with my high anxiety personality. I sit here typing away in the middle of our bed calmer that I have been in three days for an unknown reason. And let me explain that I have spent the last three days crying at hour and a half intervals for fifteen to thirty minutes each. I'm having full on panic attacks with my heart racing, hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face, and my sinuses so plugged I almost choke. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know why I'm doing, I just know I'm doing. And I feel like every time I leave home, every time I try to find my own little place in the world, find my career, something, anything goes wrong and everything unravels. I'm safe at home, I'm happy at home, I know how to do things at home. Which begs the question: why do we so look down on those that make that choice, the choice to just stay home, take care of the their parents, stay safe? Why is it really that sad of a thing to do? What would be so wrong with just going back, keeping my room, make sure my dad takes care of himself, train dogs (that's what my family does for a living), run ranch equipment, and live my life in the utter knowledge that I am secure, my existence is consistent, I don't have fear, and I can count on things?